Successfully losing weight is a big deal - no pun intended.
Changing your lifestyle patterns is tantamount to changing your religion. There is not a single stitch in the fabric of your life that will not be effected by losing a significant amount of weight. The way you think and feel about yourself, the way others respond to you and the choices that are available to you are now all different. Therefore, developing the skills to cope with all of this is no easy matter. You need to think about these issues on this level in order to succeed.
Let’s begin with the following assumptions.
1) You are an intelligent individual who has acquired the nutritional information you need to make quality food choices without going on a diet. You now understand how to eat better and eat less.
2) You have successfully translated this knowledge into behavior and your body is now slowly getting lean.
3) You have integrated an exercise program into your life.
4) You feel better about yourself.
As everyone already knows, beginnings tend to go well. There’s excitement, energy, commitment and all the other good things that go along with “newness.” But. as we all know, “newness” has the shelf life of a shooting star. It’s bright, fun, fast and over. And only when it’s over do we get down to the single most important concept in life - maintenance. Simply put, maintenance is the following self statement:: “I am going to continue doing what I am already doing.” It sounds so simple yet it’s difficult to master. And weight management is the poster child for maintenance failure.
Why?
Why do people have such a difficult time?
“pssst”
Why do people
“pssst, psst, HEY ARE YOU LISTENING.”
Lloyd: “Huh, what’s happening in my head? Who are you?”
Gen. UC - “I’m the general unconscious.”
Lloyd: “The what?”
Gen. UC - “ I’m your general unconscious. You’re a psychologist, I figured you would get it immediately.”
Lloyd: “I‘m a bit slow today.”
“
Gen. UC - "Hopefully, you’ll be able to keep up with me. I think quickly, I have to keep track of a lot of information down where I live. I must say, it’s a bit different up here on the conscious level."
Lloyd - “This might sound like a really dumb question but if you’re the unconscious, by definition, you’re not accessible.. So what’s up?”
Gen. UC - “You might not believe this but a very tiny worm hole opened in your brain which allowed me to slip through, At any moment I might disappear and go underground again, so while I’m here you can take advantage of my brilliance!”
Lloyd - “OK, shed some light on weight problems.”
Gen. UC - “This is relatively easy to explain. You see, the mind is wired for journeys. By that I mean everything is structured as a story that involves getting from one place to another both literally and figuratively. And successful stories, variations on the Myth of the Hero made famous by Joseph Campbell, are the ones we enjoy the most. So losing weight is a journey that we follow by numbers, literally, Once achieved, once we get to that magic number of pounds that reflects success, we’re there. But where to we go if we’re already there.....Get It?”
Lloyd - “So what you’re saying is once the journey is over, there’s no place to go now and people get confused as to how to stay there.”
Gen. UC- “Correctomundo. So the trick is to create a shift so the focus of attention is on the behaviors that got you there instead of pounds lost .You can still use numbers like number of workouts to be completed, calories consumed, miles walked, etc., and have those activities reflect the week’s “journey”, so there is always a place to get to. This is not an easy task. People tend to get lazy and undisciplined. The concept of having to do something forever is a difficult one to accept, but it’s the reality.”
Lloyd - “Any tips on how to do this?”
Gen UC - “Yea, anxiety and mild OCD. A little bit of both are great ways to keep you focused. Haven’t you ever noticed I use these with you?”
Lloyd - “I figured you had something to do with it.”
Gen UC- “Whenever you do something stupid, I raise your anxiety just a bit so you remember those 30 lbs you use to have years ago. I even have you “see” what your old body looks like from time to time to really get your attention. And that always “trips” your OCD mechanism that insures you will then do all the right things. Being mildly obsessive about health related issues is a good thing, regardless of what most mental health professionals will tell you.”
Lloyd - “Any other tips?”
Gen UC - Yes, but this one is more difficult to deal with. It has to do with conditioning. Like everything else, your body has a certain set of feelings attached to it. So, if you were once thin, then all the associations to that body will subtly make there way into your experience when you are thin again, whether you are aware of it or not. Part of my job as the unconscious is to remind you of stuff. So if there were negative associations to being thin( e.g. low self esteem, depression, drug problems, sexual promiscuity, etc.) then you are going to feel those feelings again as your past “collides” with your present in your body. If those feelings are strong enough, they can sabotage your weight program. That’s when the conscious mind has to help out a bit and keep track of what’s happening so you can learn whatever skills you need to in order to cope with those historical factors.
Lloyd - “This sounds like it occurs more frequently than people realize.”
Gen UC - “It does.”
Lloyd - “Anything else?”
Gen UC - “One more thing. There’s a variation on this “difficult feeling” theme. If a spouse who needs to lose weight does so, it will trigger anxiety in the other spouse. This kind of insecurity can sometimes lead to sutble forms of sabatoge occuring. Perhaps we can expand on this at a later time. Sabatoge is not limited to married people. Singles can mess up there life just as easily when it becomes more difficult dealing with lots of attention. Life is complicated down here in the unconscious, but I hope I shed a bit of light on all on this for you.
Uh, oh, the worm hole is opening. Gotta go. See you next time.”
I hope my general unconscious has stimulated both your unconcious and conscious minds so as you can cope with any issue or obstacle that may stand in your way to successfully transforming your body. And I have a hunch the General Unconscious will make a few more appearances in this blog.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Some Thoughts On Weight Management
With Oprah continuing to have difficulties managing her weight- and wouldn’t we all feel better if she finally got it right since we all like her and want her to succeed - it opens up the weight discussion once again. So I’m going to try to add a bit to the discussion that some people might find useful. Hopefully, I can provide a point of view that may allow some individuals to view their experience through a different lens, and, in doing so, allow for a new pattern or two to emerge.
I’m going to do this in two parts. The first part focuses on problem eating, the second on the critical differences between losing weight and managing that weight loss. Weight loss and weight loss management are two totally different psychological states even though, ironically, the behaviors needed to succeed at both are identical. And the difference between the two is where the action is. But first things first - eating.
The following are the problem eating categories and some suggested solutions:
Clueless Eating
This refers to people who know nothing about nutrition. I know it’s hard to believe given the amount of available information - books, magazines, TV, internet, etc. - but some people still have very little nutritional literacy. Spend some time looking at the size of some of the people walking around Disney World, and you’ll get the picture. If you fall into this category, you are, depending on you age, 30-100 lb. overweight, and on your way to a variety of serious diseases.
Solution: Read Andrew Weil, Mehmet Oz or the host of other nutritional experts who can tell you what you don’t know. Take the time to learn a little bit about food, for a little bit can go a long way.
Trance Eating
Trance eating refers to a form of negative multitasking. While doing something else - reading, watching TV, e-mailing, etc. - you’re eating, completely oblivious to what you’re doing. Eating in a movie theater is trance eating at its most obvious. It’s remarkable how someone can walk into a theater with a container of popcorn the size of Volkswagen, sit down, put the container in their lap and eat every last kernel without any consciousness. Oops, that ‘s not entirely correct. They pause, momentarily, to wash it down with sips from a gallon container of coke, the size that allows them a free refill.
One other note about trance eating. If you’re compelled to finish everything on your plate, it’s probably the consequences of your mom telling you when you were a child a variation on the theme “there are children starving in Uganda”. Over time this maternal command functions as an unconscious hypnotic suggestion, and you follow it regardless of the fact that you feel as if you are so full, you are about to explode. Trance states are not always good things.
Solution: WAKE UP! FROM THIS MOMENT ON.......YOU WILL FIND YOURSELF.........BYPASSING THE CONCESSION COUNTER.AT THE MOVIE THEATER....... AND NEVER EATING WHILE WATCHING TV.....OR AT THE COMPUTER...... OR ANY OTHER ACTIVITY. Oh, and you don’t need to finish the food on your plate. Put it in the refrigerator, or take it home from the restaurant. This way you save the food, thus satisfying mom’s command of not wasting it.
Medication Eating
Of all the substances that we ingest to make ourselves feel better, food is most often the drug of choice. We eat when we’re anxious, sad, depressed, angry, worried, annoyed, ashamed or guilty. There are probably a few others that I missed, but I think you get the point. Coping with difficult emotional states is no easy task, but that’s no excuse for constant abuse of food. Obviously - and I’m hardly the first person to say this- learning productive coping skills to deal with negative emotions is an essential skill for weight management.
Solution: Start saying NO more often and take exercise very seriously.
Sleep Deprived Eating
One of the lesser-known facts about sleep deprivation is its effect on appetite. For reasons not fully understand - maybe the brain’s need for more glucose due to fatigue - lack of sleep wrecks havoc with the hormones connected to appetite. In short, you eat more and gain weight. Enough said.
Solution: You need 7 1/2 hrs. I know you enjoy watching Leno, Letterman and Conan, but your health is more important than their ratings. This is not negotiable.
Diet Eating
This is the “well intentioned” form of problem eating, but equally useless. Diets fall into a category of experience that is doomed to failure. The moment you choose to engage in a weight loss strategy that is time limited, you can’t possibly succeed. The only difference between this kind of eating and the others is the belief that something good will come of it. It won’t.
Solution: Stop doing diets now unless you’ve chosen one that you intend to be a permanent life style change!
In part II of this essay, the focus will be on issues that typically get ignored or misunderstood. I’m going to argue that anxiety and OCD are, not only useful, but essential components of a successful weight loss strategy. In addition, you will learn about how to avoid the subtle dangers of Pavlovian conditioning. I’ll also be talking a bit about exercise.
In the interim, if you are person who should be losing weight, ask yourself the question - Am I really ready to do this? Am I ready to commit to incorporating everything I need to do and everything I need to know into what probably will be as courageous as anything I’ve done do date in my life.
Successfully losing weight is a big deal - no pun intended.
I’m going to do this in two parts. The first part focuses on problem eating, the second on the critical differences between losing weight and managing that weight loss. Weight loss and weight loss management are two totally different psychological states even though, ironically, the behaviors needed to succeed at both are identical. And the difference between the two is where the action is. But first things first - eating.
The following are the problem eating categories and some suggested solutions:
Clueless Eating
This refers to people who know nothing about nutrition. I know it’s hard to believe given the amount of available information - books, magazines, TV, internet, etc. - but some people still have very little nutritional literacy. Spend some time looking at the size of some of the people walking around Disney World, and you’ll get the picture. If you fall into this category, you are, depending on you age, 30-100 lb. overweight, and on your way to a variety of serious diseases.
Solution: Read Andrew Weil, Mehmet Oz or the host of other nutritional experts who can tell you what you don’t know. Take the time to learn a little bit about food, for a little bit can go a long way.
Trance Eating
Trance eating refers to a form of negative multitasking. While doing something else - reading, watching TV, e-mailing, etc. - you’re eating, completely oblivious to what you’re doing. Eating in a movie theater is trance eating at its most obvious. It’s remarkable how someone can walk into a theater with a container of popcorn the size of Volkswagen, sit down, put the container in their lap and eat every last kernel without any consciousness. Oops, that ‘s not entirely correct. They pause, momentarily, to wash it down with sips from a gallon container of coke, the size that allows them a free refill.
One other note about trance eating. If you’re compelled to finish everything on your plate, it’s probably the consequences of your mom telling you when you were a child a variation on the theme “there are children starving in Uganda”. Over time this maternal command functions as an unconscious hypnotic suggestion, and you follow it regardless of the fact that you feel as if you are so full, you are about to explode. Trance states are not always good things.
Solution: WAKE UP! FROM THIS MOMENT ON.......YOU WILL FIND YOURSELF.........BYPASSING THE CONCESSION COUNTER.AT THE MOVIE THEATER....... AND NEVER EATING WHILE WATCHING TV.....OR AT THE COMPUTER...... OR ANY OTHER ACTIVITY. Oh, and you don’t need to finish the food on your plate. Put it in the refrigerator, or take it home from the restaurant. This way you save the food, thus satisfying mom’s command of not wasting it.
Medication Eating
Of all the substances that we ingest to make ourselves feel better, food is most often the drug of choice. We eat when we’re anxious, sad, depressed, angry, worried, annoyed, ashamed or guilty. There are probably a few others that I missed, but I think you get the point. Coping with difficult emotional states is no easy task, but that’s no excuse for constant abuse of food. Obviously - and I’m hardly the first person to say this- learning productive coping skills to deal with negative emotions is an essential skill for weight management.
Solution: Start saying NO more often and take exercise very seriously.
Sleep Deprived Eating
One of the lesser-known facts about sleep deprivation is its effect on appetite. For reasons not fully understand - maybe the brain’s need for more glucose due to fatigue - lack of sleep wrecks havoc with the hormones connected to appetite. In short, you eat more and gain weight. Enough said.
Solution: You need 7 1/2 hrs. I know you enjoy watching Leno, Letterman and Conan, but your health is more important than their ratings. This is not negotiable.
Diet Eating
This is the “well intentioned” form of problem eating, but equally useless. Diets fall into a category of experience that is doomed to failure. The moment you choose to engage in a weight loss strategy that is time limited, you can’t possibly succeed. The only difference between this kind of eating and the others is the belief that something good will come of it. It won’t.
Solution: Stop doing diets now unless you’ve chosen one that you intend to be a permanent life style change!
In part II of this essay, the focus will be on issues that typically get ignored or misunderstood. I’m going to argue that anxiety and OCD are, not only useful, but essential components of a successful weight loss strategy. In addition, you will learn about how to avoid the subtle dangers of Pavlovian conditioning. I’ll also be talking a bit about exercise.
In the interim, if you are person who should be losing weight, ask yourself the question - Am I really ready to do this? Am I ready to commit to incorporating everything I need to do and everything I need to know into what probably will be as courageous as anything I’ve done do date in my life.
Successfully losing weight is a big deal - no pun intended.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
A PAINFUL GOODBYE
Sometimes irony juts its way into one’s life in difficult and unexpected ways. For those of you who have been reading the entries in this blog, you’re aware that I haven’t made an entry in a few months. The reason for this time lapse had to do with a very painful event that occurred on October 30th. Our Standard Poodle, Royce, whose “voice” was featured in the last entry, died at the age of six. Royce had been suffering from an autoimmune disease for two years, and the combination of the illness and the medications he was taking suddenly overwhelmed his system, and we had to put him down. Ironically, the day we made his You Tube video in 2007 was the day we first found out he was seriously ill.
Prior to Royce’s entry in the blog, I had written about life’s four key words: yes, no, hello and goodbye. Little did I know that in very short order, I would personally have to deal with the most difficult of the four: goodbye. It’s one thing talking about goodbye in the abstract and how difficult it can be, it’s quite another to suddenly have to experience it. The irony wasn’t lost on me. If nothing else, my observations on issues of personal loss would now have a bit more poignancy than before.
When Royce died, it felt as if the music stopped. The silence that followed was deafening. His presence – the combination of his gentleness, intelligence and physical beauty – was unlike any other dog I had ever encountered. At times, he seemed more human than canine. Charisma is an intangible characteristic. It’s hard to define, but you know it when you see it. Your eyes are drawn to it. It was that way with Royce. People would look, smile, talk, pet him or take his picture in an ongoing parade. And he loved every minute of it, as did I. He thought they were there for him. It’s hard to overstate the amount of joy he brought me during this most mundane of activities. It’s impossible to overstate the amount of grief I’ve experienced since he died.
Saying goodbye doesn’t happen all at once. There’s an organic rhythm to it orchestrated by the brain. It begins with shock, turns into intense sadness that continues for a number of weeks and then slowly it morphs into something different – hundreds of smaller goodbyes, moments of sadness that occur when something spontaneously reminds you of whom you lost. Over time, due to the brain’s need to restore balance, the moments occur less frequently, not necessarily less intensely.
When all is said and done, saying goodbye is really all about one word – forever. It’s viscerally understanding that you will never again see, hear or touch whom you lost. It is wrenching. It is forever.
Two months after Royce died, I had a very short dream about him. I was on the floor in our bedroom and he walked in, and I said, “ Hey boy, how are you, good to see you.” And he quickly came over, got as close to me as he possibly could, put his head on my chest over my heart and didn’t move. And that’s where he will be forever.
Prior to Royce’s entry in the blog, I had written about life’s four key words: yes, no, hello and goodbye. Little did I know that in very short order, I would personally have to deal with the most difficult of the four: goodbye. It’s one thing talking about goodbye in the abstract and how difficult it can be, it’s quite another to suddenly have to experience it. The irony wasn’t lost on me. If nothing else, my observations on issues of personal loss would now have a bit more poignancy than before.
When Royce died, it felt as if the music stopped. The silence that followed was deafening. His presence – the combination of his gentleness, intelligence and physical beauty – was unlike any other dog I had ever encountered. At times, he seemed more human than canine. Charisma is an intangible characteristic. It’s hard to define, but you know it when you see it. Your eyes are drawn to it. It was that way with Royce. People would look, smile, talk, pet him or take his picture in an ongoing parade. And he loved every minute of it, as did I. He thought they were there for him. It’s hard to overstate the amount of joy he brought me during this most mundane of activities. It’s impossible to overstate the amount of grief I’ve experienced since he died.
Saying goodbye doesn’t happen all at once. There’s an organic rhythm to it orchestrated by the brain. It begins with shock, turns into intense sadness that continues for a number of weeks and then slowly it morphs into something different – hundreds of smaller goodbyes, moments of sadness that occur when something spontaneously reminds you of whom you lost. Over time, due to the brain’s need to restore balance, the moments occur less frequently, not necessarily less intensely.
When all is said and done, saying goodbye is really all about one word – forever. It’s viscerally understanding that you will never again see, hear or touch whom you lost. It is wrenching. It is forever.
Two months after Royce died, I had a very short dream about him. I was on the floor in our bedroom and he walked in, and I said, “ Hey boy, how are you, good to see you.” And he quickly came over, got as close to me as he possibly could, put his head on my chest over my heart and didn’t move. And that’s where he will be forever.
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Humor Interlude 1: Bozone - A theory for all that is dopey
I think we all agree that humor is the best antidepressant. It’s virtually impossible to be depressed when you’re laughing. Hence, during times of stress- and we all agree it doesn’t get more stressful than this - a bit of humor can be therapeutic. So in the spirit of practical wisdom, the humor interlude was born.
My Standard Poodle, Royce, wrote the following. For those of you interested in learning more about Royce, you can see a video of him on YouTube. Just type in The Royce Report in the search box, and Royce will tell you all about himself and his desire to go into show biz.
Bozone: An explanation for all that is dopey.
As a dog, I have always wondered how humans got to be as confused as they are. Psychology and biology don’t seem to explain it very well it. Hence, an astronomical theory is needed to explain why humans seem to be in a perpetual state of “dumbth.” The following is my speculative theory:
At the moment of the big bang when the universe came into being, an invisible, odorless gas called bozone was released into the newly formed cosmos. For billions of years huge clouds of this gas floated through the galaxies, most recently entering the Milky Way. Eventually bozone made its way into our solar system and entered the earth’s atmosphere. The first evidence of bozone’s toxic effects appeared in the Dodo bird. There aren’t any more Dodos around anymore, clearly an indication that something went terribly wrong for the Dodo. (I’m sure no Dodos were ever speakers at monthly Mensa meetings.) Still, becoming extinct, the fate of the poor Dodo, meant that somewhere along the way the bird became a complete dope and the subsequent moniker, “you’re a dodo,” was born. An encounter with a toxic cloud of Bozone is the only logical explanation.
While the Dodo is the most obvious example of the toxic effects of Bozone in the animal world, it is humans more than any other creature that seem most susceptible to its effects. There is something about inhaling bozone that results in irrational, illogical or purely idiotic behavior. The following are just a few obvious Bozonious events that have occurred over the past few years:
1. George Bush being elected President. TWICE!
2. People believing the size of Barry Bond’s head is due to the aging process.
3. The belief that giving people mortgages without checking their finances would be unlikely to cause any problems in the economy.
4. Sarah Palin being selected as a VP candidate.
Even a miniature schnauzer would have been a better choice than Sarah Palin. John McCain must have been exposed to a particularly intense cloud of Bozone to have made this pick.
Where do you think the saying “he’s a real BOZO” comes from? As Carl Jung might have said, it’s the collective unconscious trying to tell us that something noxious is wrecking havoc with our thinking. I’m hoping that when that new physics particle collider is up and running and recreates the “big bang,” scientists will figure out a way to test for Bozone. If not, then we might be looking at a Sarah Palin Presidency in 2012. Good Grief!
My Standard Poodle, Royce, wrote the following. For those of you interested in learning more about Royce, you can see a video of him on YouTube. Just type in The Royce Report in the search box, and Royce will tell you all about himself and his desire to go into show biz.
Bozone: An explanation for all that is dopey.
As a dog, I have always wondered how humans got to be as confused as they are. Psychology and biology don’t seem to explain it very well it. Hence, an astronomical theory is needed to explain why humans seem to be in a perpetual state of “dumbth.” The following is my speculative theory:
At the moment of the big bang when the universe came into being, an invisible, odorless gas called bozone was released into the newly formed cosmos. For billions of years huge clouds of this gas floated through the galaxies, most recently entering the Milky Way. Eventually bozone made its way into our solar system and entered the earth’s atmosphere. The first evidence of bozone’s toxic effects appeared in the Dodo bird. There aren’t any more Dodos around anymore, clearly an indication that something went terribly wrong for the Dodo. (I’m sure no Dodos were ever speakers at monthly Mensa meetings.) Still, becoming extinct, the fate of the poor Dodo, meant that somewhere along the way the bird became a complete dope and the subsequent moniker, “you’re a dodo,” was born. An encounter with a toxic cloud of Bozone is the only logical explanation.
While the Dodo is the most obvious example of the toxic effects of Bozone in the animal world, it is humans more than any other creature that seem most susceptible to its effects. There is something about inhaling bozone that results in irrational, illogical or purely idiotic behavior. The following are just a few obvious Bozonious events that have occurred over the past few years:
1. George Bush being elected President. TWICE!
2. People believing the size of Barry Bond’s head is due to the aging process.
3. The belief that giving people mortgages without checking their finances would be unlikely to cause any problems in the economy.
4. Sarah Palin being selected as a VP candidate.
Even a miniature schnauzer would have been a better choice than Sarah Palin. John McCain must have been exposed to a particularly intense cloud of Bozone to have made this pick.
Where do you think the saying “he’s a real BOZO” comes from? As Carl Jung might have said, it’s the collective unconscious trying to tell us that something noxious is wrecking havoc with our thinking. I’m hoping that when that new physics particle collider is up and running and recreates the “big bang,” scientists will figure out a way to test for Bozone. If not, then we might be looking at a Sarah Palin Presidency in 2012. Good Grief!
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
HELLO AND GOODBYE -TRANSITIONS FOR CHANGE
Some things in life are obviously difficult. Saying goodbye is one of them. The magnitude of a “goodbye” certainly varies, but the meaning is always the same: THE END. Whether it’s ending a love relationship, leaving behind friends due to changing schools/jobs/homes, saying goodbye to a career dream that didn’t quite turn out the way you wanted it to or, the ultimate goodbye, someone you love dying, As painful as these experiences are, they are essential to our growth and development. The vitality of our lives is predicated on new people, events, stimulation and challenges periodically occurring. Without goodbyes we can never have hellos. What keeps people from initiating the goodbyes they have control over (e.g. relationships) is a tendency to overestimate the amount of time that they will feel bad. Fortunately, the wisdom in the unconscious is hardwired to reestablish emotional balance as quickly as possible. Incorporating this idea into your map of experience allows one to begin looking at the idea of “quality” risk taking. Is it time to get out of that relationship or job that is stale or lifeless? Are there patterns of behavior that are not useful or productive that you know it’s time to say goodbye to? Are you ready to say hello to skills you want to learn or places you want to see. Hello and goodbye reflect transitions, and it’s at these moments in time when change is most available to us.
So perhaps.....as you think about that goodbye..........you know the one that has popped up..from time to time........you can begin to think about it differently.......more confidently.........realizing that........deep down inside..........way....way ...down inside yourself.......are resources that you've forgotten you had........or maybe even never new that you had......but they are there .......and when ......you are ready to make that change.......say that goodbye......that power will float straight up into your consciousness......and when it does.......you'll be ready to use it.
So perhaps.....as you think about that goodbye..........you know the one that has popped up..from time to time........you can begin to think about it differently.......more confidently.........realizing that........deep down inside..........way....way ...down inside yourself.......are resources that you've forgotten you had........or maybe even never new that you had......but they are there .......and when ......you are ready to make that change.......say that goodbye......that power will float straight up into your consciousness......and when it does.......you'll be ready to use it.
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
4 KEY WORDS
A few weeks ago I made reference to the fact that we are creatures of words. Our world is shaped by the words we use. But a certain few - four in particular - are more important than others in any discussion of practical wisdom. These words influence how we interact with the people, events and situations that constitute our world and influence our decision making. These keys words are two pairs of polar opposites: yes/no and hello/goodbye. Now I have hunch that a lot of people who are reading this right are saying to themselves, " C'mon Lloyd, this is it, these are life's most important words, words that are typically a few of a child's first words, words that are some of the first you learn when studying a foreign language! Lloyd, you've got to do better than this, " I know, it seems kind of simplistic that words that are as common place as these four are as important as any and mastering them, really understanding how far their roots and branches extend into ouRR lives, is a life long chore. They are, however, that important and here's why. Let's take "no" for example, the core expression of autonomy. How often over course of your life did you want to say no, want to assert yourself, and you didn't? I'm sure it's a lot more than you're willing to admit. In fact, I'll bet that one of those memories just crossed the screen of your consciousness right now as you were reading this. That's right,THAT SITUATION WHERE YOU KNEW YOU SHOULD HAVE SAID NO. And you didn't. Some people spend their entire life never coming close to mastering this word. And yes IS equally as important. How often did you say no to something you should have said yes to because it involved a risk? And, in retrospect, you know it was risk you should have taken. At the time you did what all of us do when we've made a mistake, we con ourselves with some elaborate justification for our decision. Underneath, however, we know the truth and, hopefully, in retrospect we can look back and admit to making the wrong choice. And in allowing ourselves a moment of existential truth, we begin to lay the groundwork for saying "yes" in the future when the cycle of experience comes back around to a similar decision. Don't worry, you''ll get another chance to make amends with yourself.
We'll talk about hello and goodbye next time.
But for the moment.......as you take a deep breath.....and let the words from above .......float.....from consciousness....to a deeper place........a place inside yourself........that allows your conscious mind to .......pause..........relax......and allow that deeper level........to store what you've read.......in a really safe place inside.....a place that contains the wisdom you've already acquired........so that now.......right now.......a little bit more is available to you........and........effortlessly......and spontaneously........it will pop up .....at the right time.........in the right place........or with the right person.
We'll talk about hello and goodbye next time.
But for the moment.......as you take a deep breath.....and let the words from above .......float.....from consciousness....to a deeper place........a place inside yourself........that allows your conscious mind to .......pause..........relax......and allow that deeper level........to store what you've read.......in a really safe place inside.....a place that contains the wisdom you've already acquired........so that now.......right now.......a little bit more is available to you........and........effortlessly......and spontaneously........it will pop up .....at the right time.........in the right place........or with the right person.
Sunday, August 17, 2008
FEELINGS
If there's one part of our experience that we view as sacrosanct, it's our feelings. While thoughts and behavior, the other two parts of the golden trilogy that composes our "selves" are as important, it's our feelings that we're closest to. Why else would so much of psychotherapy focus on them ? With all do respect to the cognitive therapy boom, there's more talk about feelings in therapy than thoughts. Why else would the most overused question in the history of psychotherapy be, "so how does that make you feel?" Thoughts are in our head, a rather small space. But feelings are different, they take over our entire body, they're bigger, more intense and consequently, more seductive. We're easily seduced by our feelings, believing they represent an accurate description of our reality. WRONG. I know it's blasphemy to say it, but sometimes our feelings are obstacles to good decision making. In other words there are times when a feeling/emotion is "clean" (i.e., a legitimate response to a current situation). At other times, however, a feeling can be a part of an old programmed response pattern that "fires" under certain circumstances . Take the current situation of Brett Favre, legendary quarterback of the Green Bay Packers. Brett retired months ago during a during a typical retirement press conference. At that moment in time he looked at his career, his life and his future and decided to call it a day. It all made sense and, at that moment in time, Brett knew it was time to go. Perfect. Then, five months later he says he made a mistake and wants his job back. Anybody who had every played a seasonal sport knows that the "feeling" of wanting to play always returns as training camp approaches. It like Pavlov's dog; ring the bell and he salivates. Brett Favre could no sooner stop those feelings than he could stop the sun from rising. He was at the mercy of classical conditioning. Being able to step outside your experience so that you don't get seduced is a very sophisticated skill. Good decision making is a critical component of wisdom. And being able to distinguish between real vs. illusory feelings is central to this process.
So right now...... as you slow down....way down.......and reflect on what you've read............perhaps you can.........when you're ready,,,,,,,,,reflect on times when you were fooled by a feeling.........a time perhaps not so long ago........when you were absolutely convinced.......that the feeling was just so right......so perfect.....and then.......it all changed.......what appeared so solid,,,,,,turned out to be vapor.......an illusion.....but now as you reflect.....and think......perhaps you can think differently about your feelings.........in a new and productive way.........we all get fooled from time to time.......but now you know more than you did before.
If there's one part of our experience that we view as sacrosanct, it's our feelings. While thoughts and behavior, the other two parts of the golden trilogy that composes our "selves" are as important, it's our feelings that we're closest to. Why else would so much of psychotherapy focus on them ? With all do respect to the cognitive therapy boom, there's more talk about feelings in therapy than thoughts. Why else would the most overused question in the history of psychotherapy be, "so how does that make you feel?" Thoughts are in our head, a rather small space. But feelings are different, they take over our entire body, they're bigger, more intense and consequently, more seductive. We're easily seduced by our feelings, believing they represent an accurate description of our reality. WRONG. I know it's blasphemy to say it, but sometimes our feelings are obstacles to good decision making. In other words there are times when a feeling/emotion is "clean" (i.e., a legitimate response to a current situation). At other times, however, a feeling can be a part of an old programmed response pattern that "fires" under certain circumstances . Take the current situation of Brett Favre, legendary quarterback of the Green Bay Packers. Brett retired months ago during a during a typical retirement press conference. At that moment in time he looked at his career, his life and his future and decided to call it a day. It all made sense and, at that moment in time, Brett knew it was time to go. Perfect. Then, five months later he says he made a mistake and wants his job back. Anybody who had every played a seasonal sport knows that the "feeling" of wanting to play always returns as training camp approaches. It like Pavlov's dog; ring the bell and he salivates. Brett Favre could no sooner stop those feelings than he could stop the sun from rising. He was at the mercy of classical conditioning. Being able to step outside your experience so that you don't get seduced is a very sophisticated skill. Good decision making is a critical component of wisdom. And being able to distinguish between real vs. illusory feelings is central to this process.
So right now...... as you slow down....way down.......and reflect on what you've read............perhaps you can.........when you're ready,,,,,,,,,reflect on times when you were fooled by a feeling.........a time perhaps not so long ago........when you were absolutely convinced.......that the feeling was just so right......so perfect.....and then.......it all changed.......what appeared so solid,,,,,,turned out to be vapor.......an illusion.....but now as you reflect.....and think......perhaps you can think differently about your feelings.........in a new and productive way.........we all get fooled from time to time.......but now you know more than you did before.
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