4 KEY WORDS

A few weeks ago I made reference to the fact that we are creatures of words. Our world is shaped by the words we use. But a certain few - four in particular - are more important than others in any discussion of practical wisdom. These words influence how we interact with the people, events and situations that constitute our world and influence our decision making. These keys words are two pairs of polar opposites: yes/no and hello/goodbye. Now I have hunch that a lot of people who are reading this right are saying to themselves, " C'mon Lloyd, this is it, these are life's most important words, words that are typically a few of a child's first words, words that are some of the first you learn when studying a foreign language! Lloyd, you've got to do better than this, " I know, it seems kind of simplistic that words that are as common place as these four are as important as any and mastering them, really understanding how far their roots and branches extend into our lives, is a life long chore. They are, however, that important and here's why. Let's take "no" for example, the core expression of autonomy. How often over course of your life did you want to say no, want to assert yourself, and you didn't? I'm sure it's a lot more than you're willing to admit. In fact, I'll bet that one of those memories just crossed the screen of your consciousness right now as you were reading this. That's right,THAT SITUATION WHERE YOU KNEW YOU SHOULD HAVE SAID NO. And you didn't. Some people spend their entire life never coming close to mastering this word. And yes is equally as important. How often did you say no to something you should have said yes to because it involved a risk? And, in retrospect, you know it was risk you should have taken. At the time you did what all of us do when we've made a mistake, we con ourselves with some elaborate justification for our decision. Underneath, however, we know the truth and, hopefully, in retrospect we can look back and admit to making the wrong choice. And in allowing ourselves a moment of existential truth, we begin to lay the groundwork for saying "yes" in the future when the cycle of experience comes back around to a similar decision. Don't worry, you''ll get another chance to make amends with yourself.

We'll talk about hello and goodbye next time.

But for the moment.......as you take a deep breath.....and let the words from above .......float.....from consciousness....to a deeper place........a place inside yourself........that allows your conscious mind to .......pause..........relax......and allow that deeper level........to store what you've read.......in a really safe place inside.....a place that contains the wisdom you've already acquired........so that now.......right now.......a little bit more is available to you........and........effortlessly......and spontaneously........it will pop up .....at the right time.........in the right place........or with the right person.

FEELINGS


If there's one part of our experience that we view as sacrosanct, it's our feelings. While thoughts and behavior, the other two parts of the golden trilogy that defines our "self" are as important, it's our feelings that we're closest to. Why else would so much of psychotherapy focus on them ? With all do respect to the cognitive therapy boom, there's more talk about feelings in therapy than thoughts. Why else would the most overused question in the history of psychotherapy be, "so how does that make you feel?" Thoughts are in our head, a rather small space. But feelings are different, they take over our entire body, they're bigger, more intense and consequently, more seductive. We're easily seduced by our feelings, believing they represent an accurate description of our reality. WRONG. I know it's blasphemy to say it, but sometimes our feelings are obstacles to good decision making. In other words there are times when a feeling/emotion is "clean" (i.e., a legitimate response to a current situation). At other times, however, a feeling can be a part of an old programmed response pattern that "fires" under certain circumstances . Take the current situation of Brett Favre, legendary quarterback of the Green Bay Packers. Brett retired months ago during a during a typical retirement press conference. At that moment in time he looked at his career, his life and his future and decided to call it a day. It all made sense and, at that moment in time, Brett knew it was time to go. Perfect. Then, five months later he says he made a mistake and wants his job back. Anybody who had every played a seasonal sport knows that the "feeling" of wanting to play always returns as training camp approaches. It like Pavlov's dog; ring the bell and he salivates. Brett Favre could no sooner stop those feelings than he could stop the sun from rising. He was at the mercy of classical conditioning. Being able to step outside your experience so that you don't get seduced is a very sophisticated skill. Good decision making is a critical component of wisdom. And being able to distinguish between real vs. illusory feelings is central to this process.




So right now...... as you slow down....way down.......and reflect on what you've read............perhaps you can.........when you're ready,,,,,,,,,reflect on times when you were fooled by a feeling.........a time perhaps not so long ago........when you were absolutely convinced.......that the feeling was just so right......so perfect.....and then.......it all changed.......what appeared so solid,,,,,,turned out to be vapor.......an illusion.....but now as you reflect.....and think......perhaps you can think differently about your feelings.........in a new and productive way.........we all get fooled from time to time.......but now you know more than you did before.

FOOD FOR THOUGHT

Humans are creatures of words, and we just can't stop talking. Cell phones and computers are now extensions of our minds connected on some bio-technological level that none of us fully comprehends. We can't shut up. And If we're not talking, texting, emailing or instant messaging, we're thinking about the next thing we're going to say to someone, somehow. What is less obvious but equally omnipresent is our internal conversations. We just keep talking whether someone is there or not. Most of the time this isn't problematic. There is one situation, however, where blathering away in your head is outright dangerous, and that's when you're eating. This is especially true if your internal monologue is fueled by anger. You see, when you talk in your head the rhythm of speech and breathing continues as if you're actually talking. Hence, at the same moment in time when you would normally take a breath- which would happen frequently if you were expressing anger -the wind pipe opens up and quess what happens? That's right, that big junk of food you were eating suddenly gets sucked into that small opening. Now most of the time this happens coughing typically dislodges the food, and we go back to eating, a bit shaken but okay. But every so often someone needs the Heimlich maneuver, that violent stomach pull that forces air up through the trachea and results in that large piece of food being dislodged and propelled at warp speed three tables over into someone's salad. "Excuse me waiter, I was unaware my salad came with a partially chewed piece of meat." Everyone reading this has had food caught in their windpipe. It falls into the category of universal experiences. What is equally univeral is nobody remembers why it happened. And the reason is simple. The trauma caused by the potentially life threatening situation generates immediate amnesia. You simply don't rememember precluding the possibility for any learning ever to take place.

So next time you're eating.. and your mind begins to focus... on an internal conversation.... perhaps,..... sooner that later..... an awareness will take over......the kind of awareness that's useful....in a variety of different ways.....that brings you back to focusing on eating...... and in doing so you can realize that in noticing your eating.......you can realize.....really realize.... how easy it is to become satisfied......and as you become more aware of those sensations of fullness ....you can become more satisfied with less food.... and stay safer along the way. So feel free to remember.... what you need to remember from what you learned today....for you clearly have a right as well as an obligation to make useful changes in your life....for who else is going to make them for you.