PANTENE, LADY GAGA & THE ROAD TO MENTAL HEALTH

There are a lot of important questions out there that need answers. How are we going to cap the oil leak in the Gulf? Are the Israelis going to ease the embargo in Gaza? Is The World Cup going to use video review in the future? But of all these questions, the one that is on everyone’s mind is: What really caused Lady Gaga to have a meltdown in Jerry Seinfeld’s box at Citi Field a few weeks ago?

We all know what happened. At some point during the game Gaga freaked out, stripped down to her underwear and proceeded to give everyone the finger. Had Gaga been anyone but a celebrity performing artist, the nut patrol would have been called and she would have been shipped off to a mental hospital in a straight jacket with an IV in her arm pumping Thorazine.

So what happened? Well, I think I figured it out. And in doing so, a major breakthrough in the field of mental health may now be available that might well rank with medical discoveries such antibiotics, vaccines and X-rays. But I’m getting ahead of myself.

Let’s begin with Lady Gaga at Citi Field. Through the use of sophisticated audio technology, one can actually hear what went on. The following is a partial transcript of Gaga interacting with a guy sitting 20 meters away just prior to her meltdown:

Guy- “ Hey Gaga, your hair looks like crap. What happened? Did a dog sleep on your head last night?”

Gaga– “ Bleep you, you bleeping moron. I’m Lady Gaga and you’re a jerk.”

Guy- “ Hey Gaga, I’m wrong. It wasn’t a dog that slept on your head, it was a raccoon. Have you ever heard of shampoo? It’s toothpaste for your hair.”

At this point Gaga takes off her clothes and begins to walk around with her finger in the air, seemingly having lost it completely.

Gaga- “ Hey jerk, what do you think of me now?”


Guy-“ You’re dumber than I thought. Put your clothes back on and, GOOD GRIEF, get a new hair stylist.”

A few more exchanges took place, but you get the picture. So what does this have to do with a major psychological breakthrough? Fast forward to Wednesday, June 30th, the front page of the Personal Journal section of The Wall Street Journal. Proctor and Gamble, the consumer products giant that manufactures Pantene, scientifically researched the relationship between hair products and mood. Their results were summarized in the article. And, lo and behold, here’s what they found:

Women felt less “hostile, “ashamed”, “nervous,” “guilty” or “jittery” depending on the hair products they used, while at other times felt more “excited,” “proud” and “interested.” To summarize, if you like your hair you’re joyful, if not, you’re hostile.

Who knew the proverbial “she’s having a bad hair day” was this profound? Ladies, stop taking Xanax and Prozac! Fire your therapist! Toss your Anthony Robbins and Deepak Chopra tapes! JUST BUY PANTENE. It’s not what’s going inside you head that matters; it’s what’s happening on top of it. And guys, you should be listening too. Don’t buy her flowers on Valentine’s Day, a case of Pantene will keep her much happier. And you too.

It’s now clear as to what happened to Lady Gaga at Citi Field. It wasn’t the photographers that got her crazy, it was the fact that she had run out of Pantene and didn’t wash her hair that day. And when that guy made reference to the state of her hair, well, that put her over the edge. And Gaga looks like she’s pretty close to the edge to begin with.


As for me, who both practices psychotherapy and sells hypnotic audio programs, I’ve decided to make some changes based on these latest scientific findings. First, every one of my audio programs now comes with a $5 off coupon at Rite Aid for Pantene products. But more importantly, I’ve installed a salon sink in my office and I’ve hired, Mr. Sergio, an Italian hair stylist to be my assistant. Every woman patient now gets a wash and blow before each session. I’m checking with insurance companies to find out whether it’s reimbursable.