A LAST FEW WORDS ABOUT TIGER

We’re all Tiger’d out about now, but a few more words are in order before we say good-bye to him for a while. Tiger’s recent statement outlining his decision to leave the tour indefinitely and focus on his family begs the question: is this a sincere attempt to salvage his marriage and family or a strategic move of last resort to cope with, arguably, the worst PR nightmare in the history of professional sports. Or, perhaps, both.

Let’s try and answer this question beginning with an obvious truth. Every one of us has a selfish component in our personality. We all go through the “it’s all about me” developmental stage as young children and then, slowly, over time we learn to share and understand the feelings and needs of other people. But deep down inside we all prefer to get what we want. The difference between the mature and immature person is not the internal state of feeling selfish, it’s overtly being selfish.

Ostensibly, Tiger Woods is acting selflessly now, not selfishly. He’s putting his marriage and family before his career. But if you look a bit more closely the lines begin to blur. First, his original schedule didn’t have him playing again until the end of January, seven weeks from now. Second, the Masters – and in Tiger’s model of the world it’s only the major championships that matter - isn’t until the beginning of April. That’s another nine weeks he doesn’t have to give up anything of consequence. Additionally, by saying he’s indefinitely putting golf on hold, he avoids having to address the media, gives his wife an opportunity to save face by giving her a reason to stay with him and provides some much needed time to figure out additional strategies to negotiate his transition back into the world.

Do I think Tiger cares about his wife and family? Yes, But to assume salvaging his business empire is not part of his motivational strategy would be extraordinarily naïve. My belief is Tiger will have to give up playing in The Masters, and possibly the US Open, in order to keep Elin in the marriage. This is, of course, unless Elin feels that Tiger, by his willingness to give up playing in these majors, has sufficiently showed he understands her pain and she allows him to play.

I’m sure that by now the psychotherapeutic emergency services team has pulled up to the front of Tiger’s mansion and their luggage has been unloaded for a long stay. And during one of the inevitable marathon marital therapy sessions, the following must happen for Elin to accept Tiger back into the marriage. He has to feel an emotional equivalence to the pain that she has felt. He’s going to have to suffer like she has. Some sort of cathartic event has to occur which will crack that narcissistic shell he has been living in since the age of two. And that can only happen if he taps into his own personal history of loss (i.e. the loss of his father). If he does – if she sees him sobbing uncontrollably - her rage will begin to dissipate and a foundation for healing will have been built. Without this happening, it’s all just conversation.

And the rest of us watch and wait. The PGA Tour, the sponsors and the fans are all waiting to see if Elin stays so the domino effect of forgiveness can begin and Tiger can resume being TIGER WOODS. Realistically, it’s going to take at least a year assuming everything syncs up for Tiger, but probability is on his side. Our culture is one of second chances. Virtually everyone is allowed back in. His golf status as the greatest player of all time and his endorsement income will be a lot easier to regain, however, than our respect. That’s probably never going to happen.

TAKING OUT THE GARBAGE

Many years ago I remember somebody saying to me that most of life was taking out the garbage. I think we can add the following corollary to that bit of wisdom: knowing how to efficiently clean up a mess will make life easier. Just ask Tiger Woods. Let’s quickly move past the gossip, crisis management rhetoric and statements from Tiger’s corporate sponsors, since we already know the following: he’s going to keep all the sponsors, his wife is not going anywhere, he will be forgiven by the public and he will continue to be the best golfer on the planet.

Let’s shift to a more useful question. What would we, as sports fans and everyday people, want Tiger to have said instead of that long and carefully crafted statement that was, obviously, written by his agency? I found myself getting angry reading this sales pitch meant to excuse his not being perfect and his right to be alone. In two instances he even makes reference to "a principle" (my quotes) he believes people should adhere to in terms of his privacy. Somehow, a guy who has just admitted to cheating on his wife with multiple women should avoid the word principle at all costs.

Wouldn’t it have been better if Tiger had simply said: my recent behavior has been shameful and embarrassing. "I have caused my family a great deal of pain and suffering and there is no way I can apologize enough to the people who I love and who love me. I know I have disappointed friends and fans as well. At some point in time I hope I can be forgiven. Now it’s time for me to help my family heal."

To me, this pretty much sums up the issue. It’s short, gets right to the point and reflects the level of emotional intensity it deserves. There is absolutely nothing else that is needed. Instead, we got this long and tedious term paper of a statement that reflects a profound level of tone deafness. Tiger clearly needs a new management company. So does Nike, by the way. At the end of the statement they released in support of Tiger they said, “our thoughts are with Tiger at this time.” I guess Nike thought someone in Tiger’s family had died.

MOONGATE: A PREVIEW

Sometimes the events of the day juxtapose in ways that are, at the very least, strange. The headline of October 9 - US drops 5000 lb. bomb on the moon as President Obama is awarded Nobel Peace Prize - certainly fits into this category. But I have a precognitive hunch things are going to get even stranger as a consequence of all this. The following is a speculative chronology of the way I see events unfolding over the near term:

Oct 12th – NASA places video footage of crater left by the bomb on You Tube.

Oct. 13th – Mary Jones, a nurse from Kansas, sees the video and is convinced she sees the image of the Virgin Mary in the crater and posts her vision.

Oct 13th – Immediately following Mary’s posting, 5 million people claim that, they too, see the image and believe it is a message from God.

Oct 14th – Thousands of small groups of people, calling themselves the followers of Moon Mary, meet to discuss the cosmic meaning of all of this.

Oct 15th – Rick Smith, the grandson of one of the men who first stumbled upon the Roswell, NM alleged UFO site, himself an amateur astronomer, claims to see something more scientific in the crash site and schedules a press conference on Oct. 20th to talk about his findings.

Oct 20th – The following is a transcript of Mr. Smith’s press conference:

Mr. Smith – “ Using a high powered telescope that I purchased on Ebay, I was able to analyze the NASA images in ways that provide concrete evidence that something was clearly uncovered by the blast. My analysis showed it to be a small glass bottle with strange symbols on it.

Questioner 1 – “ Were you able to decipher the symbols.”

Mr. Smith - “ Yes, using the Star Trek universal translator, I was able to decode the symbols. I can state with absolute certainty that the translation reads: Yoo-hoo chocolate drink.

Questioner 2 – “But the Star Trek Universal Translator, uh, isn’t real. It’s, like, uh, make believe.”

Mr. Smith – “No it’s real! I bought it at a Star Trek convention from Spock himself. He told me it was real! It speaks Spanish, French, Ebonics and all alien languages. The only thing I’m not sure about is whether it’s diet or regular Yoo-hoo.

Questioner 3 – “ Mr. Smith, what do you think this means?”

Mr. Smith – “ It means that Alien beings knew how important Yoo-hoo was to the fabric of any intelligent society. Yoo-hoo is the liquid soul of the universe.”


Oct. 21st – Shares in Dr Pepper Snapple Group Inc. (the parent company of Yoo-hoo) soar 1000% and Rick Smith is hired as CEO with generous stock options.

Oct 28th – Osama Bin Laden releases an audiotape saying that he too grew up loving Yoo-hoo. “As a small boy I always drank Yoo-hoo while reading the Koran,” he said.

Oct 29th – Bin Laden signs a contract with Dr. Pepper Snapple Group Inc. for 5 million making Yoo-hoo the official drink of Al Qaeda.

Nov. 1st - A group of scientists calling themselves The Group Against Religious Nonsense and Stupid Science convenes to weigh in on these issues. At the conclusion of their meeting they issue the following statement:

After carefully analyzing the data we can state, unequivocally, that there is no image of the Virgin Mary in the moon’s crater. The image is actually Frank Costanza, George’s father. In addition, the symbols on the glass bottle are not an alien language but English turned upside down. When turned right side up, the bottle reads Bud Lite. It appears this bottle was left on the moon by Neil Armstrong. during a late night party before the flight home.

Nov. 2nd - Dr Pepper Snapple Group Inc. stock tanks. Rick Smith is fired.

Nov 3rd - A group calling themselves The Syndicated Seinfeldians stand in front of Larry David’s home with a sign that reads:

The crater is a message from God telling you to bring back Seinfeld for a reunion show. It’s God’s wish Larry; you have to do it. Curb Your Enthusiasm is great, but it’s not Seinfeld. God wants Seinfeld.

Nov 3rd - Neil Armstrong, interviewed on Larry King, makes the following statement:

“ I did leave a bottle behind, but it was Miller Lite not Bud. And I didn’t leave it on the moon, I left it on the set at Universal Studies where the entire Apollo hoax was filmed.”

Dec. 1 - Dr Pepper Snapple Group Inc. files law suit against The Group Against Religious Nonsense and Stupid science, claiming Armstrong’s statement about Miller Lite means that there may have been at least two bottles, not one, and that the original bottle may still be alien Yoohoo.


Dec. 10th – Administration officials release a report stating that the impact from the bomb changed the orbit of the moon resulting in a series of very positive climate changes on Earth and the reversal of global warning.

Dec. 11th - President Obama addresses the UN and says the US has saved the planet and he now wants to be called King Barack.

Dec. 12th – Russian Prime Minister Putin addresses the UN and claims that the entire US bombing-the-Moon-mission was actually a digital fabrication done at Disney studios. There was no bombing the Moon and global warming is still here.

Dec. 13th – President Obama, claiming he was conned into this by Bill Clinton to improve his tumbling approval ratings, admits to the fabrication, resigns and joins Rick Smith and the other 10 % of the population on the unemployment line.

Dec. 14th – Congress is called into special session and releases the following statement:

Due to the unique circumstances, we have decided to temporarily abandon the Constitution and hold a special election with Former President Bill Clinton and Al Gore as the two candidates. Prior commitments to bipartiship not withstanding, Sarah Palin's comments that “ I can see the Moon from my lawn” and “ I’m all in favor in sending more troops to support our forces on the moon,” convinced us to ban the Republicans from this election.

Dec. 15th – Hillary Clinton, when asked if she would be comfortable being her husband’s Secretary of State should he win, she replied. “ Are you bleeping me, I’m not supporting that BLEEP. After all the crap I’ve had to take from that BLEEP, I‘d have to be a complete BLEEPING idiot to support that BLEEP. I’m supporting Al.

Dec. 18th – Al Gore wins in a landslide.

Dec. 20th – Oliver Stone begins production on the movie MOONGATE. Rumor has it that Brad and Angelina will be playing Rick Smith and Moon Mary.

Dec. 25th – Larry David leads worshippers during a celebration of Frank Costanza’a alternative Christmas holiday,” FESTIVAS” for the rest of us. Everyone was given a bottle of Yoo-hoo.

Betrayal 101 - Instructor, Mrs.Vader

There are lots of ways to describe who we are as human beings, but the one that strikes me as the most useful is that we are storytellers. We love to read, watch and tell stories. But most importantly, we are stories. Our sense of self is built around our personal histories. Without our stored collection of memories woven into a coherent saga, we don’t exist. Our personhood is our narrative. And since this is our story, we tend to edit it in ways that makes us feel as good about ourselves as we possibly can as we navigate through life. In other words, we have a tendency to “sanitize” our experience. We deny, distort and delete periodically, so that our narrative and sense of self remain intact. We typically refer to this unconscious editing process as rationalizing or reducing cognitive dissonance.

The reason for my current interest in narrative editing was triggered, surprisingly, by a new TV show. It’s called The Good Wife and centers around the spouse of a politician who cheated on her and also ended up in prison. We’ve all seen variations on the betrayal theme countless times. When played out on national television – the humiliated wife standing by her high profile husband - it’s riveting theater. Yet, despite the obvious traumatic nature of the events, many of these women stay with these men. We saw it with Hillary Clinton, Kathy Lee Gifford, Elizabeth Edwards, Silder Spitzer and Jenny Sanford. These women are always smart, accomplished and competent, yet they tend to choose to stay with the men who betrayed them. Why? I believe there are a number of reasons, all of which we are aware of – except one. But first some background.

Of all the events that can occur in a marriage, betrayal is obviously the most combustible. The level of emotionality it generates far exceeds anything else in terms of intensity and longevity. The emotional “after burn” can last a lifetime. After the initial shock wears off, rage, sadness, pain and anxiety take over, each emotion periodically taking center stage. And like other losses – and one can certainly categorize an event like this as a loss – the intensity of the event slowly diminishes over time and life, ostensibly, returns to normal. It doesn’t take much, however, for those intense emotions to be triggered by any number of events. And when that happens a brief, but no less intense, reenactment of the initial drama takes place. This scar runs deep.


Unlike most women, however, high profile wives caught in the headlights of notoriety experience something even more intense. It’s one thing when your husband cheats and your friends and a few family members know. It’s quite another when your humiliated image has been ‘youtubed” around the world. The brain is not quite prepared for that level of embarrassment and humiliation. It’s impossible to sleep, eat or focus. It feels as if somebody lit a match inside your head and a firestorm blew through your mind. Your personal narrative now lies in ashes on the floor of consciousness. Your life as you knew it is now over and the edges of terror start to slowly creep around. Given all this, why in world would anyone stay with their lecherous husband?



Let’s begin with the more traditional explanations. Ending a long-term marriage is a difficult thing to do, especially when children are involved. The bonds that have developed over decades of shared experience are not easily dissolved. In addition, being alone and starting again is, in and of itself, traumatic. Then there are the financial issues. Do we have enough money to sustain two homes and maintain the lifestyle we currently enjoy? And then of course there is the terrifying thought that I might never find another person, and I’ll grow old alone. Taken together, the case can be made for remaining in a relationship after betrayal.

But there may be an additional unconscious motive behind the decision to stay in a marriage after betrayal. Something that taps into a part of ourselves that we never want to acknowledge, something that Darth Vader would understand. Carl Jung called it the Shadow, the darker side of ourselves. When all is said and done, there’s a part of staying that is all about revenge. You will never, however, hear this said by anyone. How can you? Who would ever say they’re staying in a marriage to exact revenge on their spouse. You would sound insane. Consequently, it takes a great deal of editing to “sanitize” this experience into some acceptable narrative. But underneath, deep down where the action is, revenge is a driving force.

This is something Darth Vader clearly understood. Just ask Mrs. Vader. You see THE DARK SIDE never really was a concept in Darth’s mind until a series of unfortunate events(for him) occurred during the early stages of his marriage. It seems that Darth was straying a bit at the office with a temp from the interplanetary office pool. And one day, while he was at work, Mrs. Vader noticed a strange boxy looking device with a small speaker hidden in his study. After examining it closely, she realized it was a type of phone wired to a single number. When she pressed the send signal, a perky feminine voice replied, “hi hon, let me know when the wife isn’t around and we can get together.” At that moment in time, life for Darth changed forever. The following is a never-before-seen transcript of the conversation that Mrs. Vader had with Darth that evening when he returned home.

Darth- “ Hi honey, I’m home.”

Mrs. Vader – “ I’ll be right down. Why don’t you sit on the couch and make yourself comfortable.”

Darth - “ Did you have a good day.”

Mrs. Vader – “ Actually, it was quite enlightening. As I tell you about it, I think you’ll find it impactful it its most literal sense.”

Darth (now a bit uneasy) – “ really, it sounds like something interesting went on.”

Mrs. Vader (now in the room holding the device) – “ Very interesting. While I was rummaging around, I came across this strange looking device. Would you be able to explain to me what this is? It just looks so interesting.”

Darth (now looking as if he sees the Enola Gay overhead) – “ Oh yeah, this, well…..uh…..well.. I’m working on a new way to send subspace communications.”

Mrs. Vader - “ subspace communications. Sounds great! But I have a better idea. Judging by its size, I say it a perfect fit for your head.”

And without missing a beat Mrs. Vader proceeded to slam the device down on Darth's head. And just like a hand and glove, it was a perfect fit.

Darth - “ get this off of me. It’s dark in here.”

Mrs. Vader – “ Darthy boy, you have no idea how dark it’s going to get.”

And thus, both Darth’s new look and The Dark Side were born.


Emotions have a certain logic to them. And if you’ve been embarrassed and humiliated on the kind of scale that these women have, you’re going to want justice. When your life story is shredded and you’re using every bit of energy just to keep putting one foot in front of the other the Shadow takes over, working outside the boundaries of consciousness. One can easily imagine a wife’s Shadow voice saying, “ you are going to pay for this you bastard, and you’re going to pay and pay and pay…….”

Revenge is best served privately. Just ask Mrs. Vader.

speed and power

Occasionally, the events of the day reveil some universal truths about the human psyche. One such event occurred during the July 4th weekend when, in the midst of the country’s yearly celebration and the death of Michael Jackson, Sarah Palin announced that she was quitting as Governor of Alaska. Her leaving office so quickly after the election with two years left in her term begs the question, what universal truth could possibility be associated with Sarch Palin’s behavior? The answer is: the speed and power of speed and power.

The moment John McCain selected her as his running mate Sarah Palin was irrevocably changed. The change was immediate. It was as if she had been injected with new DNA that overrode all previous genetic code. Instantaneously, she became - in the minds of a large segment of the population -an important person whose every word or deed was considered newsworthy. Things she wanted or needed she got immediately . The pace of her world moved - to use Startrekian terms- from impulse power to warp speed.


The moment this hit home in her psyche, when Sarah Palin realized she was now SARAH PALIN, she must have gotten the same rush as a meth addict getting that first "hit." She was now a power junkie and there was no returning to her previous ego state. The old ego was now in pieces on the floor of consciousness. And when she went back to work as the Governor of Alaska, she was confronted with a set of feelings equivalent to the experience of a drug addict who ran out of dope. Going over the details of the latest changes in the fishing laws in the state of Alaska was not going to satisfy her.

Anybody who has ever moved from another part of the country to New York knows that, once your brain is rewired to the pace of the city, it’s hard to live elsewhere. Speeding up is a lot easier than slowing down. Once acclimated, its difficult to adjust to a slower paced environment without experiencing feelings analogous to drug withdrawal. Anger, frustration and annoyance - all elements of what we usually refer to as “edginess” - typically manifest themselves. Sarah Palin got the “high octane” version of speed and power and she’s hooked. Unfortunately, her political decisions were based on the assumption that she has the talent and intelligence to sustain the kind of “up-tempo” world that will feed these addictions. For if she’s wrong - and all the evidence suggests she is grossly overestimating her skills to do anything - the crash she is going to experience inside her head will make a nuclear explosion sound like a firecracker. Withdrawal is going to be very painful.

A PAINFUL GOODBYE

Sometimes irony juts its way into one’s life in difficult and unexpected ways. For those of you who have been reading the entries in this blog, you’re aware that I haven’t made an entry in a few months. The reason for this time lapse had to do with a very painful event that occurred on October 30th. Our Standard Poodle, Royce, whose “voice” was featured in the last entry, died at the age of six. Royce had been suffering from an autoimmune disease for two years, and the combination of the illness and the medications he was taking suddenly overwhelmed his system, and we had to put him down. Ironically, the day we made his You Tube video in 2007 was the day we first found out he was seriously ill.

Prior to Royce’s entry in the blog, I had written about life’s four key words: yes, no, hello and goodbye. Little did I know that in very short order, I would personally have to deal with the most difficult of the four: goodbye. It’s one thing talking about goodbye in the abstract and how difficult it can be, it’s quite another to suddenly have to experience it. The irony wasn’t lost on me. If nothing else, my observations on issues of personal loss would now have a bit more poignancy than before.

When Royce died, it felt as if the music stopped. The silence that followed was deafening. His presence – the combination of his gentleness, intelligence and physical beauty – was unlike any other dog I had ever encountered. At times, he seemed more human than canine. Charisma is an intangible characteristic. It’s hard to define, but you know it when you see it. Your eyes are drawn to it. It was that way with Royce. People would look, smile, talk, pet him or take his picture in an ongoing parade. And he loved every minute of it, as did I. He thought they were there for him. It’s hard to overstate the amount of joy he brought me during this most mundane of activities. It’s impossible to overstate the amount of grief I’ve experienced since he died.

Saying goodbye doesn’t happen all at once. There’s an organic rhythm to it orchestrated by the brain. It begins with shock, turns into intense sadness that continues for a number of weeks and then slowly it morphs into something different – hundreds of smaller goodbyes, moments of sadness that occur when something spontaneously reminds you of whom you lost. Over time, due to the brain’s need to restore balance, the moments occur less frequently, not necessarily less intensely.

When all is said and done, saying goodbye is really all about one word – forever. It’s viscerally understanding that you will never again see, hear or touch whom you lost. It is wrenching. It is forever.

Two months after Royce died, I had a very short dream about him. I was on the floor in our bedroom and he walked in, and I said, “ Hey boy, how are you, good to see you.” And he quickly came over, got as close to me as he possibly could, put his head on my chest over my heart and didn’t move. And that’s where he will be forever.