Betrayal 101 - Instructor, Mrs.Vader

There are lots of ways to describe who we are as human beings, but the one that strikes me as the most useful is that we are storytellers. We love to read, watch and tell stories. But most importantly, we are stories. Our sense of self is built around our personal histories. Without our stored collection of memories woven into a coherent saga, we don’t exist. Our personhood is our narrative. And since this is our story, we tend to edit it in ways that makes us feel as good about ourselves as we possibly can as we navigate through life. In other words, we have a tendency to “sanitize” our experience. We deny, distort and delete periodically, so that our narrative and sense of self remain intact. We typically refer to this unconscious editing process as rationalizing or reducing cognitive dissonance.

The reason for my current interest in narrative editing was triggered, surprisingly, by a new TV show. It’s called The Good Wife and centers around the spouse of a politician who cheated on her and also ended up in prison. We’ve all seen variations on the betrayal theme countless times. When played out on national television – the humiliated wife standing by her high profile husband - it’s riveting theater. Yet, despite the obvious traumatic nature of the events, many of these women stay with these men. We saw it with Hillary Clinton, Kathy Lee Gifford, Elizabeth Edwards, Silder Spitzer and Jenny Sanford. These women are always smart, accomplished and competent, yet they tend to choose to stay with the men who betrayed them. Why? I believe there are a number of reasons, all of which we are aware of – except one. But first some background.

Of all the events that can occur in a marriage, betrayal is obviously the most combustible. The level of emotionality it generates far exceeds anything else in terms of intensity and longevity. The emotional “after burn” can last a lifetime. After the initial shock wears off, rage, sadness, pain and anxiety take over, each emotion periodically taking center stage. And like other losses – and one can certainly categorize an event like this as a loss – the intensity of the event slowly diminishes over time and life, ostensibly, returns to normal. It doesn’t take much, however, for those intense emotions to be triggered by any number of events. And when that happens a brief, but no less intense, reenactment of the initial drama takes place. This scar runs deep.


Unlike most women, however, high profile wives caught in the headlights of notoriety experience something even more intense. It’s one thing when your husband cheats and your friends and a few family members know. It’s quite another when your humiliated image has been ‘youtubed” around the world. The brain is not quite prepared for that level of embarrassment and humiliation. It’s impossible to sleep, eat or focus. It feels as if somebody lit a match inside your head and a firestorm blew through your mind. Your personal narrative now lies in ashes on the floor of consciousness. Your life as you knew it is now over and the edges of terror start to slowly creep around. Given all this, why in world would anyone stay with their lecherous husband?



Let’s begin with the more traditional explanations. Ending a long-term marriage is a difficult thing to do, especially when children are involved. The bonds that have developed over decades of shared experience are not easily dissolved. In addition, being alone and starting again is, in and of itself, traumatic. Then there are the financial issues. Do we have enough money to sustain two homes and maintain the lifestyle we currently enjoy? And then of course there is the terrifying thought that I might never find another person, and I’ll grow old alone. Taken together, the case can be made for remaining in a relationship after betrayal.

But there may be an additional unconscious motive behind the decision to stay in a marriage after betrayal. Something that taps into a part of ourselves that we never want to acknowledge, something that Darth Vader would understand. Carl Jung called it the Shadow, the darker side of ourselves. When all is said and done, there’s a part of staying that is all about revenge. You will never, however, hear this said by anyone. How can you? Who would ever say they’re staying in a marriage to exact revenge on their spouse. You would sound insane. Consequently, it takes a great deal of editing to “sanitize” this experience into some acceptable narrative. But underneath, deep down where the action is, revenge is a driving force.

This is something Darth Vader clearly understood. Just ask Mrs. Vader. You see THE DARK SIDE never really was a concept in Darth’s mind until a series of unfortunate events(for him) occurred during the early stages of his marriage. It seems that Darth was straying a bit at the office with a temp from the interplanetary office pool. And one day, while he was at work, Mrs. Vader noticed a strange boxy looking device with a small speaker hidden in his study. After examining it closely, she realized it was a type of phone wired to a single number. When she pressed the send signal, a perky feminine voice replied, “hi hon, let me know when the wife isn’t around and we can get together.” At that moment in time, life for Darth changed forever. The following is a never-before-seen transcript of the conversation that Mrs. Vader had with Darth that evening when he returned home.

Darth- “ Hi honey, I’m home.”

Mrs. Vader – “ I’ll be right down. Why don’t you sit on the couch and make yourself comfortable.”

Darth - “ Did you have a good day.”

Mrs. Vader – “ Actually, it was quite enlightening. As I tell you about it, I think you’ll find it impactful it its most literal sense.”

Darth (now a bit uneasy) – “ really, it sounds like something interesting went on.”

Mrs. Vader (now in the room holding the device) – “ Very interesting. While I was rummaging around, I came across this strange looking device. Would you be able to explain to me what this is? It just looks so interesting.”

Darth (now looking as if he sees the Enola Gay overhead) – “ Oh yeah, this, well…..uh…..well.. I’m working on a new way to send subspace communications.”

Mrs. Vader - “ subspace communications. Sounds great! But I have a better idea. Judging by its size, I say it a perfect fit for your head.”

And without missing a beat Mrs. Vader proceeded to slam the device down on Darth's head. And just like a hand and glove, it was a perfect fit.

Darth - “ get this off of me. It’s dark in here.”

Mrs. Vader – “ Darthy boy, you have no idea how dark it’s going to get.”

And thus, both Darth’s new look and The Dark Side were born.


Emotions have a certain logic to them. And if you’ve been embarrassed and humiliated on the kind of scale that these women have, you’re going to want justice. When your life story is shredded and you’re using every bit of energy just to keep putting one foot in front of the other the Shadow takes over, working outside the boundaries of consciousness. One can easily imagine a wife’s Shadow voice saying, “ you are going to pay for this you bastard, and you’re going to pay and pay and pay…….”

Revenge is best served privately. Just ask Mrs. Vader.