MOONGATE: A PREVIEW

Sometimes the events of the day juxtapose in ways that are, at the very least, strange. The headline of October 9 - US drops 5000 lb. bomb on the moon as President Obama is awarded Nobel Peace Prize - certainly fits into this category. But I have a precognitive hunch things are going to get even stranger as a consequence of all this. The following is a speculative chronology of the way I see events unfolding over the near term:

Oct 12th – NASA places video footage of crater left by the bomb on You Tube.

Oct. 13th – Mary Jones, a nurse from Kansas, sees the video and is convinced she sees the image of the Virgin Mary in the crater and posts her vision.

Oct 13th – Immediately following Mary’s posting, 5 million people claim that, they too, see the image and believe it is a message from God.

Oct 14th – Thousands of small groups of people, calling themselves the followers of Moon Mary, meet to discuss the cosmic meaning of all of this.

Oct 15th – Rick Smith, the grandson of one of the men who first stumbled upon the Roswell, NM alleged UFO site, himself an amateur astronomer, claims to see something more scientific in the crash site and schedules a press conference on Oct. 20th to talk about his findings.

Oct 20th – The following is a transcript of Mr. Smith’s press conference:

Mr. Smith – “ Using a high powered telescope that I purchased on Ebay, I was able to analyze the NASA images in ways that provide concrete evidence that something was clearly uncovered by the blast. My analysis showed it to be a small glass bottle with strange symbols on it.

Questioner 1 – “ Were you able to decipher the symbols.”

Mr. Smith - “ Yes, using the Star Trek universal translator, I was able to decode the symbols. I can state with absolute certainty that the translation reads: Yoo-hoo chocolate drink.

Questioner 2 – “But the Star Trek Universal Translator, uh, isn’t real. It’s, like, uh, make believe.”

Mr. Smith – “No it’s real! I bought it at a Star Trek convention from Spock himself. He told me it was real! It speaks Spanish, French, Ebonics and all alien languages. The only thing I’m not sure about is whether it’s diet or regular Yoo-hoo.

Questioner 3 – “ Mr. Smith, what do you think this means?”

Mr. Smith – “ It means that Alien beings knew how important Yoo-hoo was to the fabric of any intelligent society. Yoo-hoo is the liquid soul of the universe.”


Oct. 21st – Shares in Dr Pepper Snapple Group Inc. (the parent company of Yoo-hoo) soar 1000% and Rick Smith is hired as CEO with generous stock options.

Oct 28th – Osama Bin Laden releases an audiotape saying that he too grew up loving Yoo-hoo. “As a small boy I always drank Yoo-hoo while reading the Koran,” he said.

Oct 29th – Bin Laden signs a contract with Dr. Pepper Snapple Group Inc. for 5 million making Yoo-hoo the official drink of Al Qaeda.

Nov. 1st - A group of scientists calling themselves The Group Against Religious Nonsense and Stupid Science convenes to weigh in on these issues. At the conclusion of their meeting they issue the following statement:

After carefully analyzing the data we can state, unequivocally, that there is no image of the Virgin Mary in the moon’s crater. The image is actually Frank Costanza, George’s father. In addition, the symbols on the glass bottle are not an alien language but English turned upside down. When turned right side up, the bottle reads Bud Lite. It appears this bottle was left on the moon by Neil Armstrong. during a late night party before the flight home.

Nov. 2nd - Dr Pepper Snapple Group Inc. stock tanks. Rick Smith is fired.

Nov 3rd - A group calling themselves The Syndicated Seinfeldians stand in front of Larry David’s home with a sign that reads:

The crater is a message from God telling you to bring back Seinfeld for a reunion show. It’s God’s wish Larry; you have to do it. Curb Your Enthusiasm is great, but it’s not Seinfeld. God wants Seinfeld.

Nov 3rd - Neil Armstrong, interviewed on Larry King, makes the following statement:

“ I did leave a bottle behind, but it was Miller Lite not Bud. And I didn’t leave it on the moon, I left it on the set at Universal Studies where the entire Apollo hoax was filmed.”

Dec. 1 - Dr Pepper Snapple Group Inc. files law suit against The Group Against Religious Nonsense and Stupid science, claiming Armstrong’s statement about Miller Lite means that there may have been at least two bottles, not one, and that the original bottle may still be alien Yoohoo.


Dec. 10th – Administration officials release a report stating that the impact from the bomb changed the orbit of the moon resulting in a series of very positive climate changes on Earth and the reversal of global warning.

Dec. 11th - President Obama addresses the UN and says the US has saved the planet and he now wants to be called King Barack.

Dec. 12th – Russian Prime Minister Putin addresses the UN and claims that the entire US bombing-the-Moon-mission was actually a digital fabrication done at Disney studios. There was no bombing the Moon and global warming is still here.

Dec. 13th – President Obama, claiming he was conned into this by Bill Clinton to improve his tumbling approval ratings, admits to the fabrication, resigns and joins Rick Smith and the other 10 % of the population on the unemployment line.

Dec. 14th – Congress is called into special session and releases the following statement:

Due to the unique circumstances, we have decided to temporarily abandon the Constitution and hold a special election with Former President Bill Clinton and Al Gore as the two candidates. Prior commitments to bipartiship not withstanding, Sarah Palin's comments that “ I can see the Moon from my lawn” and “ I’m all in favor in sending more troops to support our forces on the moon,” convinced us to ban the Republicans from this election.

Dec. 15th – Hillary Clinton, when asked if she would be comfortable being her husband’s Secretary of State should he win, she replied. “ Are you bleeping me, I’m not supporting that BLEEP. After all the crap I’ve had to take from that BLEEP, I‘d have to be a complete BLEEPING idiot to support that BLEEP. I’m supporting Al.

Dec. 18th – Al Gore wins in a landslide.

Dec. 20th – Oliver Stone begins production on the movie MOONGATE. Rumor has it that Brad and Angelina will be playing Rick Smith and Moon Mary.

Dec. 25th – Larry David leads worshippers during a celebration of Frank Costanza’a alternative Christmas holiday,” FESTIVAS” for the rest of us. Everyone was given a bottle of Yoo-hoo.