There are a lot of important questions out there that need answers. How are we going to cap the oil leak in the Gulf? Are the Israelis going to ease the embargo in Gaza? Is The World Cup going to use video review in the future? But of all these questions, the one that is on everyone’s mind is: What really caused Lady Gaga to have a meltdown in Jerry Seinfeld’s box at Citi Field a few weeks ago?
We all know what happened. At some point during the game Gaga freaked out, stripped down to her underwear and proceeded to give everyone the finger. Had Gaga been anyone but a celebrity performing artist, the nut patrol would have been called and she would have been shipped off to a mental hospital in a straight jacket with an IV in her arm pumping Thorazine.
So what happened? Well, I think I figured it out. And in doing so, a major breakthrough in the field of mental health may now be available that might well rank with medical discoveries such antibiotics, vaccines and X-rays. But I’m getting ahead of myself.
Let’s begin with Lady Gaga at Citi Field. Through the use of sophisticated audio technology, one can actually hear what went on. The following is a partial transcript of Gaga interacting with a guy sitting 20 meters away just prior to her meltdown:
Guy- “ Hey Gaga, your hair looks like crap. What happened? Did a dog sleep on your head last night?”
Gaga– “ Bleep you, you bleeping moron. I’m Lady Gaga and you’re a jerk.”
Guy- “ Hey Gaga, I’m wrong. It wasn’t a dog that slept on your head, it was a raccoon. Have you ever heard of shampoo? It’s toothpaste for your hair.”
At this point Gaga takes off her clothes and begins to walk around with her finger in the air, seemingly having lost it completely.
Gaga- “ Hey jerk, what do you think of me now?”
Guy-“ You’re dumber than I thought. Put your clothes back on and, GOOD GRIEF, get a new hair stylist.”
A few more exchanges took place, but you get the picture. So what does this have to do with a major psychological breakthrough? Fast forward to Wednesday, June 30th, the front page of the Personal Journal section of The Wall Street Journal. Proctor and Gamble, the consumer products giant that manufactures Pantene, scientifically researched the relationship between hair products and mood. Their results were summarized in the article. And, lo and behold, here’s what they found:
Women felt less “hostile, “ashamed”, “nervous,” “guilty” or “jittery” depending on the hair products they used, while at other times felt more “excited,” “proud” and “interested.” To summarize, if you like your hair you’re joyful, if not, you’re hostile.
Who knew the proverbial “she’s having a bad hair day” was this profound? Ladies, stop taking Xanax and Prozac! Fire your therapist! Toss your Anthony Robbins and Deepak Chopra tapes! JUST BUY PANTENE. It’s not what’s going inside you head that matters; it’s what’s happening on top of it. And guys, you should be listening too. Don’t buy her flowers on Valentine’s Day, a case of Pantene will keep her much happier. And you too.
It’s now clear as to what happened to Lady Gaga at Citi Field. It wasn’t the photographers that got her crazy, it was the fact that she had run out of Pantene and didn’t wash her hair that day. And when that guy made reference to the state of her hair, well, that put her over the edge. And Gaga looks like she’s pretty close to the edge to begin with.
As for me, who both practices psychotherapy and sells hypnotic audio programs, I’ve decided to make some changes based on these latest scientific findings. First, every one of my audio programs now comes with a $5 off coupon at Rite Aid for Pantene products. But more importantly, I’ve installed a salon sink in my office and I’ve hired, Mr. Sergio, an Italian hair stylist to be my assistant. Every woman patient now gets a wash and blow before each session. I’m checking with insurance companies to find out whether it’s reimbursable.
Saturday, July 3, 2010
Saturday, June 26, 2010
STOP THE BUZZING!!
When I first heard the sounds, I thought something had gone wrong with my TV reception, the sort of problem that occasionally occurs with telephones when lines get crossed. Here I am watching the opening round World Cup match between the US and England when it is clear to me that ESPN and National Geographic have crossed signals. Nat Geo must be airing a special on bees. All that buzzing I was hearing couldn’t possibly be coming from the ESPN transmission. So I called Time Warner to see what the problem was and to get things remedied. The following is a bit of my conversation:
Me – “Hello, my name is Lloyd, and I’m having trouble with my reception.”
Rep- “ What’s seems to be the problem, sir.”
Me- “ ESPN and NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC have crossed signals."
Rep– “ Uh, what do you mean sir, crossed signals? That’s not possible.”
Me– “ Oh, it’s happening right now. The Bee Documentary has crossed over and it’s playing in the background of The World Cup. I’m hearing BUZZING; it is everywhere."
Rep- “ Sir, Nat Geo is not airing a documentary on bees right now. But you think you’re hearing bees. Perhaps there’s a beehive outside your window. Have you looked outside sir?"
Me- “ There’s no bees outside, just the bird that likes to walk through our ceiling ducts every so often."
Rep– “ Sir, you seem to be hearing a variety of wildlife sounds in your New York City apartment – quacking, chirping, buzzing."
Me– “ I SAID DUCTS, NOT DUCKS! THERE’S NO QUACKING GOING ON HERE!"
Rep– “ It’s amazing how the mind works, sir. You hear things and then, viola, they’re gone. Sometimes when you’re really tired strange things start happening. Have you gotten a good night’s sleep lately? That might help."
Me– “ I’M NOT SLEEP DEPRIVED. I JUST HEAR BUZZING."
Rep– “ Sir, have you thought about talking about this with your doctor. Or maybe it's an indication of something a bit more serious. Perhaps talking with a psychologist would help.”
Me– “ I AM A PSYCHOLOGIST.”
Rep- “ Really. Well, I’m sure your patients are getting excellent care. But I would stick to treating neurotics. I think psychotics might be a bit much for you."
Click
It would not surprise me at all to hear that large numbers of people actually did call up their cable or dish operators to complain when The World Cup first began to air. For it took about 24 hours before everyone watching fully understood that the cause of the buzzing was the Vuvuselas, the tin horns whose buzzing makes fire engine sirens sound pleasurable. While I understand they are part of South African culture, they simply don’t belong in The World Cup. Their volume interferes, not only with players ability to hear each other, but with the organic sounds of the crowd as well. And the energy of the crowd - the ebb and flow of excitement – can have a dramatic impact on the outcome of a game. Anything that interferes with the relationship between players and spectators has no place in spots. Simply put, manufactured noise should be banned at sporting events.
Someone brought a Vuvusela to Yankee Stadium last week and started blowing on it early in the game. That lasted about 4 seconds. The horn was confiscated and the fellow was politely told that if this happened again, he would be watching Yankee games at home for the rest of his life. The same rules should have been applied to The World Cup. Let the athletes play. Let the crowd roar. That’s why we watch.
Me – “Hello, my name is Lloyd, and I’m having trouble with my reception.”
Rep- “ What’s seems to be the problem, sir.”
Me- “ ESPN and NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC have crossed signals."
Rep– “ Uh, what do you mean sir, crossed signals? That’s not possible.”
Me– “ Oh, it’s happening right now. The Bee Documentary has crossed over and it’s playing in the background of The World Cup. I’m hearing BUZZING; it is everywhere."
Rep- “ Sir, Nat Geo is not airing a documentary on bees right now. But you think you’re hearing bees. Perhaps there’s a beehive outside your window. Have you looked outside sir?"
Me- “ There’s no bees outside, just the bird that likes to walk through our ceiling ducts every so often."
Rep– “ Sir, you seem to be hearing a variety of wildlife sounds in your New York City apartment – quacking, chirping, buzzing."
Me– “ I SAID DUCTS, NOT DUCKS! THERE’S NO QUACKING GOING ON HERE!"
Rep– “ It’s amazing how the mind works, sir. You hear things and then, viola, they’re gone. Sometimes when you’re really tired strange things start happening. Have you gotten a good night’s sleep lately? That might help."
Me– “ I’M NOT SLEEP DEPRIVED. I JUST HEAR BUZZING."
Rep– “ Sir, have you thought about talking about this with your doctor. Or maybe it's an indication of something a bit more serious. Perhaps talking with a psychologist would help.”
Me– “ I AM A PSYCHOLOGIST.”
Rep- “ Really. Well, I’m sure your patients are getting excellent care. But I would stick to treating neurotics. I think psychotics might be a bit much for you."
Click
It would not surprise me at all to hear that large numbers of people actually did call up their cable or dish operators to complain when The World Cup first began to air. For it took about 24 hours before everyone watching fully understood that the cause of the buzzing was the Vuvuselas, the tin horns whose buzzing makes fire engine sirens sound pleasurable. While I understand they are part of South African culture, they simply don’t belong in The World Cup. Their volume interferes, not only with players ability to hear each other, but with the organic sounds of the crowd as well. And the energy of the crowd - the ebb and flow of excitement – can have a dramatic impact on the outcome of a game. Anything that interferes with the relationship between players and spectators has no place in spots. Simply put, manufactured noise should be banned at sporting events.
Someone brought a Vuvusela to Yankee Stadium last week and started blowing on it early in the game. That lasted about 4 seconds. The horn was confiscated and the fellow was politely told that if this happened again, he would be watching Yankee games at home for the rest of his life. The same rules should have been applied to The World Cup. Let the athletes play. Let the crowd roar. That’s why we watch.
Friday, June 4, 2010
Lance, Floyd and the Joy of Cycling
I think it’s a safe assumption to say that most, if not all of us, are tired of reading about the use of performance enhancement drugs (PEDS) in sports. Hearing that another ball player has tested positive is about as interesting as learning that Lindsay Lohan got drunk again. Nobody cares. That said, there is something fascinating about what’s happening in cycling right now that has got my attention. And given that I have absolutely no interest in the sport, that’s saying something.
Let’s begin with Floyd Landis. By now everyone knows that Floyd was stripped of his 2006 Tour de France title for testing positive for testosterone. Claiming innocence and blaming the positive test on either sloppy lab work or shenanigans on the part of the French, he proceeded to fight the cycling authorities to get his title back. He spent enormous amounts of money – much of which was donated by people who believed him – on various appeals but, ultimately, he lost. Despite all of this, Mr. Landis remained steadfast in proclaiming his innocence. Until now. In what must rank as one of the strangest announcements in the history of sport, he sent a series of emails to the cycling authorities saying that, in fact, he did cheat, and he’s been lying about it ever since. But that wasn’t enough. He then implicated most of the other top riders – including Lance Armstrong –claiming they were all doping during the same time period.
All of this begs two questions. First, what exactly was going through Floyd Landis’s mind leading to his admission of guilt? And second, what does this all mean for Lance Armstrong? Forget about all the other riders, nobody knows who they are. Cycling is only about Lance.
You don’t have to be a psychologist to know that Floyd Landis is one angry guy. His fight-flight response is permanently stuck in the on position. While on the surface he professes to be doing all of this to cleanse his soul, you can almost hear his internal voice screaming,
“YEAH I CHEATED … WE ALL CHEATED…YEAH, LANCE TOO…YOU THINK HE WON ALL THOSE TOURS ON TALENT ALONE…. I DESERVE THAT TITLE...I’M NOT GOING DOWN ALONE… YOU TOO LANCE…YOU KNOW THE TRUTH...NOW YOU’RE ALL GOING TO SUFFER.”
In Floyd’s mind, ironically, he wants justice. And on some level, there’s logic to his craziness. Before baseball players knew the difference between steroids and asteroids, cyclists were using their bodies as chemistry experiments. For them, using PEDs wasn’t cheating, it was science. And Floyd was just doing what everyone else was doing. Unfortunately, he got caught after winning cycling’s most prestigious event.
Floyd’s behavior became even more surreal during the Tour of California, which was taking place when the story gained media attention. He showed up at the event with bodyguards and wearing a bullet proof vest. Floyd had either tipped over completely, or he wanted to make some dramatic statement about the legitimacy of his claims . Either way, this was better than any reality TV show currently airing.
And while all this was going on, Lance Armstrong was the coolest guy in town. In addition to Lance calmly stating that he has always tested clean, his statements about Floyd sounded cleverly sympathetic and subtly patronizing.
On the other hand, some of the statements coming from other riders were reminiscent of Mark McGuire at the Congressional Hearings a few years back. George Hincapie, a teammate of Lance Armstrong said, “whoever wants to talk about something eight years ago, fine, they can waste their time on that. I want to talk about the future of the sport and the sacrifices we put into it.” Oops, that doesn’t sound so good. Fortunately for him, this was in response to a question from a reporter and not testimony under oath before Congress.
So, what are we left with? Is Floyd Landis telling the truth? The only problem with Floyd’s accusations is that he only has his recollections of events, no actual bloody needles, photos, documents, etc. That’s not to say he’s lying, it only means proving these accusations is somewhat problematic. And herein lies Floyd's dilemma.
In order for him to get the justice he so desperately wants, somebody – some other rider or support staff - is going to have to come forward and corroborate his story. And that is never going to happen. Assuming Floyd’s Landis’s accusations are true, the oil leak in the Gulf of Mexico has a better chance of plugging itself than seeing another rider come forward to implicate Lance Armstrong.
Lance is the Godfather of cycling. The level of intensity that drove him to cycling immortality doesn’t disappear when he steps off his bike. It’s the core of his personality. When you couple his iconic status as an athlete with his heroic status as a cancer survivor, you see an athlete on a pedestal that no other individual has ever occupied. Lance Armstrong is The Ultimate American Hero.
Floyd Landis let his rage get in the way of his judgment. He’s alone out there and nobody is going to stand next to him. As an old wise man once said, “never mess with the Godfather.”
---------
Let’s begin with Floyd Landis. By now everyone knows that Floyd was stripped of his 2006 Tour de France title for testing positive for testosterone. Claiming innocence and blaming the positive test on either sloppy lab work or shenanigans on the part of the French, he proceeded to fight the cycling authorities to get his title back. He spent enormous amounts of money – much of which was donated by people who believed him – on various appeals but, ultimately, he lost. Despite all of this, Mr. Landis remained steadfast in proclaiming his innocence. Until now. In what must rank as one of the strangest announcements in the history of sport, he sent a series of emails to the cycling authorities saying that, in fact, he did cheat, and he’s been lying about it ever since. But that wasn’t enough. He then implicated most of the other top riders – including Lance Armstrong –claiming they were all doping during the same time period.
All of this begs two questions. First, what exactly was going through Floyd Landis’s mind leading to his admission of guilt? And second, what does this all mean for Lance Armstrong? Forget about all the other riders, nobody knows who they are. Cycling is only about Lance.
You don’t have to be a psychologist to know that Floyd Landis is one angry guy. His fight-flight response is permanently stuck in the on position. While on the surface he professes to be doing all of this to cleanse his soul, you can almost hear his internal voice screaming,
“YEAH I CHEATED … WE ALL CHEATED…YEAH, LANCE TOO…YOU THINK HE WON ALL THOSE TOURS ON TALENT ALONE…. I DESERVE THAT TITLE...I’M NOT GOING DOWN ALONE… YOU TOO LANCE…YOU KNOW THE TRUTH...NOW YOU’RE ALL GOING TO SUFFER.”
In Floyd’s mind, ironically, he wants justice. And on some level, there’s logic to his craziness. Before baseball players knew the difference between steroids and asteroids, cyclists were using their bodies as chemistry experiments. For them, using PEDs wasn’t cheating, it was science. And Floyd was just doing what everyone else was doing. Unfortunately, he got caught after winning cycling’s most prestigious event.
Floyd’s behavior became even more surreal during the Tour of California, which was taking place when the story gained media attention. He showed up at the event with bodyguards and wearing a bullet proof vest. Floyd had either tipped over completely, or he wanted to make some dramatic statement about the legitimacy of his claims . Either way, this was better than any reality TV show currently airing.
And while all this was going on, Lance Armstrong was the coolest guy in town. In addition to Lance calmly stating that he has always tested clean, his statements about Floyd sounded cleverly sympathetic and subtly patronizing.
On the other hand, some of the statements coming from other riders were reminiscent of Mark McGuire at the Congressional Hearings a few years back. George Hincapie, a teammate of Lance Armstrong said, “whoever wants to talk about something eight years ago, fine, they can waste their time on that. I want to talk about the future of the sport and the sacrifices we put into it.” Oops, that doesn’t sound so good. Fortunately for him, this was in response to a question from a reporter and not testimony under oath before Congress.
So, what are we left with? Is Floyd Landis telling the truth? The only problem with Floyd’s accusations is that he only has his recollections of events, no actual bloody needles, photos, documents, etc. That’s not to say he’s lying, it only means proving these accusations is somewhat problematic. And herein lies Floyd's dilemma.
In order for him to get the justice he so desperately wants, somebody – some other rider or support staff - is going to have to come forward and corroborate his story. And that is never going to happen. Assuming Floyd’s Landis’s accusations are true, the oil leak in the Gulf of Mexico has a better chance of plugging itself than seeing another rider come forward to implicate Lance Armstrong.
Lance is the Godfather of cycling. The level of intensity that drove him to cycling immortality doesn’t disappear when he steps off his bike. It’s the core of his personality. When you couple his iconic status as an athlete with his heroic status as a cancer survivor, you see an athlete on a pedestal that no other individual has ever occupied. Lance Armstrong is The Ultimate American Hero.
Floyd Landis let his rage get in the way of his judgment. He’s alone out there and nobody is going to stand next to him. As an old wise man once said, “never mess with the Godfather.”
---------
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Self Parody and Prescription Drug Commercials
Imagine you're watching a car commercial and you hear the following: “While this vehicle has been shown to be a safe under most circumstances, occasionally there are problems that you should be aware of. Every once in a while the driver's side air bag deploys unexpectedly. This is not particularly problematic if the car is still in park, but more so if you’re moving. In addition, the heating system occasionally malfunctions resulting in a bit of smoke floating through the interior of the car. It’s nothing to be concerned about. Within ten minutes the smoke should dissipate, allowing you to see the road clearly again. There have also been instances when the vehicle’s locking mechanism gets stuck making it difficult for passengers to exit the vehicle. If this happens and you can’t open the car doors, call 911. Afterwards, be sure to contact your car dealer.“
Other than SNL or the Daily Show, it’s unlikely we’re ever going to hear anything remotely like this. Yet, the above car parody is not much different from the prescription drug commercials which, at times, border on self parody. The poster child for this self parody genre is the ad for the psychiatric drug, Abilify.
The theme of the commercial is this: If you’re currently taking a commonly prescribed antidepressant drug like Prozac or Zoloft and feel that it’s not quite working as well as you had hoped, then Abilify is for you. The combination will bring a smile to your face as you are now able to function unencumbered by life’s burdens.
I’ve watched this commercial a number of times and it never ceases to amaze me. After the initial pitch, the attention shifts to the side effects of the drug which, by law, the drug companies have to make you aware of. What’s unusual about this drug is both the number of serious side effects and the length of time it takes to recite them. The following is some of what you hear:
“If you suddenly have suicidal ideation or unusual thoughts, feel dizzy or start to vomit, experience involuntary repetitive movements of the limbs, develop symptoms of diabetes or have trouble breathing, be sure to contact your doctor.”
The third time I watched the ad, I decided to time it. It takes forty-seconds to list just the major side effects of Abilify. I don’t know about you, but if it takes a full forty-seconds to list what terrible things could possibly happen when I’m taking a drug, I'll pass. Given all the other ways that are available to help lift your mood and augment the medication you are currently on — lifestyle management changes like getting some additional sleep and exercise come immediately to mind — it would seem that taking a drug like Abilify should be the choice of last resort.
Oh, and by the way, one of the side effects that’s not mentioned in the commercial, but is likely to happen in a significant number of people, is weight gain. That’s conveniently left out. It was probably just an oversight, since a drug company would never purposely mislead the public.
I think I rather take my chances with the car whose airbags deploy unexpectedly.
Other than SNL or the Daily Show, it’s unlikely we’re ever going to hear anything remotely like this. Yet, the above car parody is not much different from the prescription drug commercials which, at times, border on self parody. The poster child for this self parody genre is the ad for the psychiatric drug, Abilify.
The theme of the commercial is this: If you’re currently taking a commonly prescribed antidepressant drug like Prozac or Zoloft and feel that it’s not quite working as well as you had hoped, then Abilify is for you. The combination will bring a smile to your face as you are now able to function unencumbered by life’s burdens.
I’ve watched this commercial a number of times and it never ceases to amaze me. After the initial pitch, the attention shifts to the side effects of the drug which, by law, the drug companies have to make you aware of. What’s unusual about this drug is both the number of serious side effects and the length of time it takes to recite them. The following is some of what you hear:
“If you suddenly have suicidal ideation or unusual thoughts, feel dizzy or start to vomit, experience involuntary repetitive movements of the limbs, develop symptoms of diabetes or have trouble breathing, be sure to contact your doctor.”
The third time I watched the ad, I decided to time it. It takes forty-seconds to list just the major side effects of Abilify. I don’t know about you, but if it takes a full forty-seconds to list what terrible things could possibly happen when I’m taking a drug, I'll pass. Given all the other ways that are available to help lift your mood and augment the medication you are currently on — lifestyle management changes like getting some additional sleep and exercise come immediately to mind — it would seem that taking a drug like Abilify should be the choice of last resort.
Oh, and by the way, one of the side effects that’s not mentioned in the commercial, but is likely to happen in a significant number of people, is weight gain. That’s conveniently left out. It was probably just an oversight, since a drug company would never purposely mislead the public.
I think I rather take my chances with the car whose airbags deploy unexpectedly.
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Newtonian physics and the Obama Presidency
Anyone who every took a course in physics remembers Newton’s third law of motion: for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. It appears that our brain understands this quite well, which is why there is a psychological analogue of this principle that every one of us has experienced. The higher up you go – the more intense the experience of joy/happiness/elation - the further down you fall as the intensity of the experience quickly metabolizes through your nervous system. And nobody understands this more clearly at this moment in time than our President as he struggles to be a great leader.
Barack Obama came into office riding the historic wave of being the first Afro-American President, with CHANGE as his battle cry. He was confident, charismatic, intelligent and articulate. He was following a President who had none of these qualities and whose Presidency had failed miserably. From the outset it appeared as if his success would be both immediate and inevitable. Yet, one year later, 54% of the electorate disapproves of his performance. What happened and why?
We can spend a lot of time talking about issues and policy, the difficult Presidential learning curve and the continuing criticism of the conservative right, but more than anything else, the primary reason he’s struggling is that he started out way to high. When he took the oath of office it felt more like a coronation than an inauguration. The excitement and elation over his election created impossible expectations. He was anointed a savior before having done a single thing. And when he was given the Nobel Peace Prize – something he clearly didn’t deserve – that pretty much sealed the deal for his current predicament. All the substantive issues-the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, the economic woes and his policy initiatives-are secondary to the “physics” of his Presidency. The higher up you start, the further down you fall.
So what are we to make of all this? Does this mean Barack Obama was not meant to be a competent President nor a great leader? Does this mean the events of his first year in office presage the rest of his Presidency? Or, does it simply mean that his initial frustrations and failures had to happen in order for him to experience the reality of what the Presidency was all about. Success is only fully appreciated when you’ve earned it. Obama hadn’t failed before and truly believed everything that had carried him to victory during the election would continue unencumbered as President. He was wrong. But sometimes being wrong is a really good thing.
Now we’ll find out whether he can do this job well. Now we’ll see whether the skills he displayed as a candidate can merge with the skills he is first developing as a leader so that the President this country needs will slowly emerge over the next two years. For there will inevitably be a moment in time – some extraordinarily difficult crisis that every President eventually faces – which will force him into psychological places he has never experienced and stretch him to his limits. Then, and only then, will we know whether Barack Obama is bound for greatness.
Barack Obama came into office riding the historic wave of being the first Afro-American President, with CHANGE as his battle cry. He was confident, charismatic, intelligent and articulate. He was following a President who had none of these qualities and whose Presidency had failed miserably. From the outset it appeared as if his success would be both immediate and inevitable. Yet, one year later, 54% of the electorate disapproves of his performance. What happened and why?
We can spend a lot of time talking about issues and policy, the difficult Presidential learning curve and the continuing criticism of the conservative right, but more than anything else, the primary reason he’s struggling is that he started out way to high. When he took the oath of office it felt more like a coronation than an inauguration. The excitement and elation over his election created impossible expectations. He was anointed a savior before having done a single thing. And when he was given the Nobel Peace Prize – something he clearly didn’t deserve – that pretty much sealed the deal for his current predicament. All the substantive issues-the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, the economic woes and his policy initiatives-are secondary to the “physics” of his Presidency. The higher up you start, the further down you fall.
So what are we to make of all this? Does this mean Barack Obama was not meant to be a competent President nor a great leader? Does this mean the events of his first year in office presage the rest of his Presidency? Or, does it simply mean that his initial frustrations and failures had to happen in order for him to experience the reality of what the Presidency was all about. Success is only fully appreciated when you’ve earned it. Obama hadn’t failed before and truly believed everything that had carried him to victory during the election would continue unencumbered as President. He was wrong. But sometimes being wrong is a really good thing.
Now we’ll find out whether he can do this job well. Now we’ll see whether the skills he displayed as a candidate can merge with the skills he is first developing as a leader so that the President this country needs will slowly emerge over the next two years. For there will inevitably be a moment in time – some extraordinarily difficult crisis that every President eventually faces – which will force him into psychological places he has never experienced and stretch him to his limits. Then, and only then, will we know whether Barack Obama is bound for greatness.
Sunday, December 13, 2009
A LAST FEW WORDS ABOUT TIGER
We’re all Tiger’d out about now, but a few more words are in order before we say good-bye to him for a while. Tiger’s recent statement outlining his decision to leave the tour indefinitely and focus on his family begs the question: is this a sincere attempt to salvage his marriage and family or a strategic move of last resort to cope with, arguably, the worst PR nightmare in the history of professional sports. Or, perhaps, both.
Let’s try and answer this question beginning with an obvious truth. Every one of us has a selfish component in our personality. We all go through the “it’s all about me” developmental stage as young children and then, slowly, over time we learn to share and understand the feelings and needs of other people. But deep down inside we all prefer to get what we want. The difference between the mature and immature person is not the internal state of feeling selfish, it’s overtly being selfish.
Ostensibly, Tiger Woods is acting selflessly now, not selfishly. He’s putting his marriage and family before his career. But if you look a bit more closely the lines begin to blur. First, his original schedule didn’t have him playing again until the end of January, seven weeks from now. Second, the Masters – and in Tiger’s model of the world it’s only the major championships that matter - isn’t until the beginning of April. That’s another nine weeks he doesn’t have to give up anything of consequence. Additionally, by saying he’s indefinitely putting golf on hold, he avoids having to address the media, gives his wife an opportunity to save face by giving her a reason to stay with him and provides some much needed time to figure out additional strategies to negotiate his transition back into the world.
Do I think Tiger cares about his wife and family? Yes, But to assume salvaging his business empire is not part of his motivational strategy would be extraordinarily naïve. My belief is Tiger will have to give up playing in The Masters, and possibly the US Open, in order to keep Elin in the marriage. This is, of course, unless Elin feels that Tiger, by his willingness to give up playing in these majors, has sufficiently showed he understands her pain and she allows him to play.
I’m sure that by now the psychotherapeutic emergency services team has pulled up to the front of Tiger’s mansion and their luggage has been unloaded for a long stay. And during one of the inevitable marathon marital therapy sessions, the following must happen for Elin to accept Tiger back into the marriage. He has to feel an emotional equivalence to the pain that she has felt. He’s going to have to suffer like she has. Some sort of cathartic event has to occur which will crack that narcissistic shell he has been living in since the age of two. And that can only happen if he taps into his own personal history of loss (i.e. the loss of his father). If he does – if she sees him sobbing uncontrollably - her rage will begin to dissipate and a foundation for healing will have been built. Without this happening, it’s all just conversation.
And the rest of us watch and wait. The PGA Tour, the sponsors and the fans are all waiting to see if Elin stays so the domino effect of forgiveness can begin and Tiger can resume being TIGER WOODS. Realistically, it’s going to take at least a year assuming everything syncs up for Tiger, but probability is on his side. Our culture is one of second chances. Virtually everyone is allowed back in. His golf status as the greatest player of all time and his endorsement income will be a lot easier to regain, however, than our respect. That’s probably never going to happen.
Let’s try and answer this question beginning with an obvious truth. Every one of us has a selfish component in our personality. We all go through the “it’s all about me” developmental stage as young children and then, slowly, over time we learn to share and understand the feelings and needs of other people. But deep down inside we all prefer to get what we want. The difference between the mature and immature person is not the internal state of feeling selfish, it’s overtly being selfish.
Ostensibly, Tiger Woods is acting selflessly now, not selfishly. He’s putting his marriage and family before his career. But if you look a bit more closely the lines begin to blur. First, his original schedule didn’t have him playing again until the end of January, seven weeks from now. Second, the Masters – and in Tiger’s model of the world it’s only the major championships that matter - isn’t until the beginning of April. That’s another nine weeks he doesn’t have to give up anything of consequence. Additionally, by saying he’s indefinitely putting golf on hold, he avoids having to address the media, gives his wife an opportunity to save face by giving her a reason to stay with him and provides some much needed time to figure out additional strategies to negotiate his transition back into the world.
Do I think Tiger cares about his wife and family? Yes, But to assume salvaging his business empire is not part of his motivational strategy would be extraordinarily naïve. My belief is Tiger will have to give up playing in The Masters, and possibly the US Open, in order to keep Elin in the marriage. This is, of course, unless Elin feels that Tiger, by his willingness to give up playing in these majors, has sufficiently showed he understands her pain and she allows him to play.
I’m sure that by now the psychotherapeutic emergency services team has pulled up to the front of Tiger’s mansion and their luggage has been unloaded for a long stay. And during one of the inevitable marathon marital therapy sessions, the following must happen for Elin to accept Tiger back into the marriage. He has to feel an emotional equivalence to the pain that she has felt. He’s going to have to suffer like she has. Some sort of cathartic event has to occur which will crack that narcissistic shell he has been living in since the age of two. And that can only happen if he taps into his own personal history of loss (i.e. the loss of his father). If he does – if she sees him sobbing uncontrollably - her rage will begin to dissipate and a foundation for healing will have been built. Without this happening, it’s all just conversation.
And the rest of us watch and wait. The PGA Tour, the sponsors and the fans are all waiting to see if Elin stays so the domino effect of forgiveness can begin and Tiger can resume being TIGER WOODS. Realistically, it’s going to take at least a year assuming everything syncs up for Tiger, but probability is on his side. Our culture is one of second chances. Virtually everyone is allowed back in. His golf status as the greatest player of all time and his endorsement income will be a lot easier to regain, however, than our respect. That’s probably never going to happen.
Thursday, December 3, 2009
TAKING OUT THE GARBAGE
Many years ago I remember somebody saying to me that most of life was taking out the garbage. I think we can add the following corollary to that bit of wisdom: knowing how to efficiently clean up a mess will make life easier. Just ask Tiger Woods. Let’s quickly move past the gossip, crisis management rhetoric and statements from Tiger’s corporate sponsors, since we already know the following: he’s going to keep all the sponsors, his wife is not going anywhere, he will be forgiven by the public and he will continue to be the best golfer on the planet.
Let’s shift to a more useful question. What would we, as sports fans and everyday people, want Tiger to have said instead of that long and carefully crafted statement that was, obviously, written by his agency? I found myself getting angry reading this sales pitch meant to excuse his not being perfect and his right to be alone. In two instances he even makes reference to "a principle" (my quotes) he believes people should adhere to in terms of his privacy. Somehow, a guy who has just admitted to cheating on his wife with multiple women should avoid the word principle at all costs.
Wouldn’t it have been better if Tiger had simply said: my recent behavior has been shameful and embarrassing. "I have caused my family a great deal of pain and suffering and there is no way I can apologize enough to the people who I love and who love me. I know I have disappointed friends and fans as well. At some point in time I hope I can be forgiven. Now it’s time for me to help my family heal."
To me, this pretty much sums up the issue. It’s short, gets right to the point and reflects the level of emotional intensity it deserves. There is absolutely nothing else that is needed. Instead, we got this long and tedious term paper of a statement that reflects a profound level of tone deafness. Tiger clearly needs a new management company. So does Nike, by the way. At the end of the statement they released in support of Tiger they said, “our thoughts are with Tiger at this time.” I guess Nike thought someone in Tiger’s family had died.
Let’s shift to a more useful question. What would we, as sports fans and everyday people, want Tiger to have said instead of that long and carefully crafted statement that was, obviously, written by his agency? I found myself getting angry reading this sales pitch meant to excuse his not being perfect and his right to be alone. In two instances he even makes reference to "a principle" (my quotes) he believes people should adhere to in terms of his privacy. Somehow, a guy who has just admitted to cheating on his wife with multiple women should avoid the word principle at all costs.
Wouldn’t it have been better if Tiger had simply said: my recent behavior has been shameful and embarrassing. "I have caused my family a great deal of pain and suffering and there is no way I can apologize enough to the people who I love and who love me. I know I have disappointed friends and fans as well. At some point in time I hope I can be forgiven. Now it’s time for me to help my family heal."
To me, this pretty much sums up the issue. It’s short, gets right to the point and reflects the level of emotional intensity it deserves. There is absolutely nothing else that is needed. Instead, we got this long and tedious term paper of a statement that reflects a profound level of tone deafness. Tiger clearly needs a new management company. So does Nike, by the way. At the end of the statement they released in support of Tiger they said, “our thoughts are with Tiger at this time.” I guess Nike thought someone in Tiger’s family had died.
Saturday, October 10, 2009
MOONGATE: A PREVIEW
Sometimes the events of the day juxtapose in ways that are, at the very least, strange. The headline of October 9 - US drops 5000 lb. bomb on the moon as President Obama is awarded Nobel Peace Prize - certainly fits into this category. But I have a precognitive hunch things are going to get even stranger as a consequence of all this. The following is a speculative chronology of the way I see events unfolding over the near term:
Oct 12th – NASA places video footage of crater left by the bomb on You Tube.
Oct. 13th – Mary Jones, a nurse from Kansas, sees the video and is convinced she sees the image of the Virgin Mary in the crater and posts her vision.
Oct 13th – Immediately following Mary’s posting, 5 million people claim that, they too, see the image and believe it is a message from God.
Oct 14th – Thousands of small groups of people, calling themselves the followers of Moon Mary, meet to discuss the cosmic meaning of all of this.
Oct 15th – Rick Smith, the grandson of one of the men who first stumbled upon the Roswell, NM alleged UFO site, himself an amateur astronomer, claims to see something more scientific in the crash site and schedules a press conference on Oct. 20th to talk about his findings.
Oct 20th – The following is a transcript of Mr. Smith’s press conference:
Mr. Smith – “ Using a high powered telescope that I purchased on Ebay, I was able to analyze the NASA images in ways that provide concrete evidence that something was clearly uncovered by the blast. My analysis showed it to be a small glass bottle with strange symbols on it.
Questioner 1 – “ Were you able to decipher the symbols.”
Mr. Smith - “ Yes, using the Star Trek universal translator, I was able to decode the symbols. I can state with absolute certainty that the translation reads: Yoo-hoo chocolate drink.
Questioner 2 – “But the Star Trek Universal Translator, uh, isn’t real. It’s, like, uh, make believe.”
Mr. Smith – “No it’s real! I bought it at a Star Trek convention from Spock himself. He told me it was real! It speaks Spanish, French, Ebonics and all alien languages. The only thing I’m not sure about is whether it’s diet or regular Yoo-hoo.
Questioner 3 – “ Mr. Smith, what do you think this means?”
Mr. Smith – “ It means that Alien beings knew how important Yoo-hoo was to the fabric of any intelligent society. Yoo-hoo is the liquid soul of the universe.”
Oct. 21st – Shares in Dr Pepper Snapple Group Inc. (the parent company of Yoo-hoo) soar 1000% and Rick Smith is hired as CEO with generous stock options.
Oct 28th – Osama Bin Laden releases an audiotape saying that he too grew up loving Yoo-hoo. “As a small boy I always drank Yoo-hoo while reading the Koran,” he said.
Oct 29th – Bin Laden signs a contract with Dr. Pepper Snapple Group Inc. for 5 million making Yoo-hoo the official drink of Al Qaeda.
Nov. 1st - A group of scientists calling themselves The Group Against Religious Nonsense and Stupid Science convenes to weigh in on these issues. At the conclusion of their meeting they issue the following statement:
After carefully analyzing the data we can state, unequivocally, that there is no image of the Virgin Mary in the moon’s crater. The image is actually Frank Costanza, George’s father. In addition, the symbols on the glass bottle are not an alien language but English turned upside down. When turned right side up, the bottle reads Bud Lite. It appears this bottle was left on the moon by Neil Armstrong. during a late night party before the flight home.
Nov. 2nd - Dr Pepper Snapple Group Inc. stock tanks. Rick Smith is fired.
Nov 3rd - A group calling themselves The Syndicated Seinfeldians stand in front of Larry David’s home with a sign that reads:
The crater is a message from God telling you to bring back Seinfeld for a reunion show. It’s God’s wish Larry; you have to do it. Curb Your Enthusiasm is great, but it’s not Seinfeld. God wants Seinfeld.
Nov 3rd - Neil Armstrong, interviewed on Larry King, makes the following statement:
“ I did leave a bottle behind, but it was Miller Lite not Bud. And I didn’t leave it on the moon, I left it on the set at Universal Studies where the entire Apollo hoax was filmed.”
Dec. 1 - Dr Pepper Snapple Group Inc. files law suit against The Group Against Religious Nonsense and Stupid science, claiming Armstrong’s statement about Miller Lite means that there may have been at least two bottles, not one, and that the original bottle may still be alien Yoohoo.
Dec. 10th – Administration officials release a report stating that the impact from the bomb changed the orbit of the moon resulting in a series of very positive climate changes on Earth and the reversal of global warning.
Dec. 11th - President Obama addresses the UN and says the US has saved the planet and he now wants to be called King Barack.
Dec. 12th – Russian Prime Minister Putin addresses the UN and claims that the entire US bombing-the-Moon-mission was actually a digital fabrication done at Disney studios. There was no bombing the Moon and global warming is still here.
Dec. 13th – President Obama, claiming he was conned into this by Bill Clinton to improve his tumbling approval ratings, admits to the fabrication, resigns and joins Rick Smith and the other 10 % of the population on the unemployment line.
Dec. 14th – Congress is called into special session and releases the following statement:
Due to the unique circumstances, we have decided to temporarily abandon the Constitution and hold a special election with Former President Bill Clinton and Al Gore as the two candidates. Prior commitments to bipartiship not withstanding, Sarah Palin's comments that “ I can see the Moon from my lawn” and “ I’m all in favor in sending more troops to support our forces on the moon,” convinced us to ban the Republicans from this election.
Dec. 15th – Hillary Clinton, when asked if she would be comfortable being her husband’s Secretary of State should he win, she replied. “ Are you bleeping me, I’m not supporting that BLEEP. After all the crap I’ve had to take from that BLEEP, I‘d have to be a complete BLEEPING idiot to support that BLEEP. I’m supporting Al.
Dec. 18th – Al Gore wins in a landslide.
Dec. 20th – Oliver Stone begins production on the movie MOONGATE. Rumor has it that Brad and Angelina will be playing Rick Smith and Moon Mary.
Dec. 25th – Larry David leads worshippers during a celebration of Frank Costanza’a alternative Christmas holiday,” FESTIVAS” for the rest of us. Everyone was given a bottle of Yoo-hoo.
Oct 12th – NASA places video footage of crater left by the bomb on You Tube.
Oct. 13th – Mary Jones, a nurse from Kansas, sees the video and is convinced she sees the image of the Virgin Mary in the crater and posts her vision.
Oct 13th – Immediately following Mary’s posting, 5 million people claim that, they too, see the image and believe it is a message from God.
Oct 14th – Thousands of small groups of people, calling themselves the followers of Moon Mary, meet to discuss the cosmic meaning of all of this.
Oct 15th – Rick Smith, the grandson of one of the men who first stumbled upon the Roswell, NM alleged UFO site, himself an amateur astronomer, claims to see something more scientific in the crash site and schedules a press conference on Oct. 20th to talk about his findings.
Oct 20th – The following is a transcript of Mr. Smith’s press conference:
Mr. Smith – “ Using a high powered telescope that I purchased on Ebay, I was able to analyze the NASA images in ways that provide concrete evidence that something was clearly uncovered by the blast. My analysis showed it to be a small glass bottle with strange symbols on it.
Questioner 1 – “ Were you able to decipher the symbols.”
Mr. Smith - “ Yes, using the Star Trek universal translator, I was able to decode the symbols. I can state with absolute certainty that the translation reads: Yoo-hoo chocolate drink.
Questioner 2 – “But the Star Trek Universal Translator, uh, isn’t real. It’s, like, uh, make believe.”
Mr. Smith – “No it’s real! I bought it at a Star Trek convention from Spock himself. He told me it was real! It speaks Spanish, French, Ebonics and all alien languages. The only thing I’m not sure about is whether it’s diet or regular Yoo-hoo.
Questioner 3 – “ Mr. Smith, what do you think this means?”
Mr. Smith – “ It means that Alien beings knew how important Yoo-hoo was to the fabric of any intelligent society. Yoo-hoo is the liquid soul of the universe.”
Oct. 21st – Shares in Dr Pepper Snapple Group Inc. (the parent company of Yoo-hoo) soar 1000% and Rick Smith is hired as CEO with generous stock options.
Oct 28th – Osama Bin Laden releases an audiotape saying that he too grew up loving Yoo-hoo. “As a small boy I always drank Yoo-hoo while reading the Koran,” he said.
Oct 29th – Bin Laden signs a contract with Dr. Pepper Snapple Group Inc. for 5 million making Yoo-hoo the official drink of Al Qaeda.
Nov. 1st - A group of scientists calling themselves The Group Against Religious Nonsense and Stupid Science convenes to weigh in on these issues. At the conclusion of their meeting they issue the following statement:
After carefully analyzing the data we can state, unequivocally, that there is no image of the Virgin Mary in the moon’s crater. The image is actually Frank Costanza, George’s father. In addition, the symbols on the glass bottle are not an alien language but English turned upside down. When turned right side up, the bottle reads Bud Lite. It appears this bottle was left on the moon by Neil Armstrong. during a late night party before the flight home.
Nov. 2nd - Dr Pepper Snapple Group Inc. stock tanks. Rick Smith is fired.
Nov 3rd - A group calling themselves The Syndicated Seinfeldians stand in front of Larry David’s home with a sign that reads:
The crater is a message from God telling you to bring back Seinfeld for a reunion show. It’s God’s wish Larry; you have to do it. Curb Your Enthusiasm is great, but it’s not Seinfeld. God wants Seinfeld.
Nov 3rd - Neil Armstrong, interviewed on Larry King, makes the following statement:
“ I did leave a bottle behind, but it was Miller Lite not Bud. And I didn’t leave it on the moon, I left it on the set at Universal Studies where the entire Apollo hoax was filmed.”
Dec. 1 - Dr Pepper Snapple Group Inc. files law suit against The Group Against Religious Nonsense and Stupid science, claiming Armstrong’s statement about Miller Lite means that there may have been at least two bottles, not one, and that the original bottle may still be alien Yoohoo.
Dec. 10th – Administration officials release a report stating that the impact from the bomb changed the orbit of the moon resulting in a series of very positive climate changes on Earth and the reversal of global warning.
Dec. 11th - President Obama addresses the UN and says the US has saved the planet and he now wants to be called King Barack.
Dec. 12th – Russian Prime Minister Putin addresses the UN and claims that the entire US bombing-the-Moon-mission was actually a digital fabrication done at Disney studios. There was no bombing the Moon and global warming is still here.
Dec. 13th – President Obama, claiming he was conned into this by Bill Clinton to improve his tumbling approval ratings, admits to the fabrication, resigns and joins Rick Smith and the other 10 % of the population on the unemployment line.
Dec. 14th – Congress is called into special session and releases the following statement:
Due to the unique circumstances, we have decided to temporarily abandon the Constitution and hold a special election with Former President Bill Clinton and Al Gore as the two candidates. Prior commitments to bipartiship not withstanding, Sarah Palin's comments that “ I can see the Moon from my lawn” and “ I’m all in favor in sending more troops to support our forces on the moon,” convinced us to ban the Republicans from this election.
Dec. 15th – Hillary Clinton, when asked if she would be comfortable being her husband’s Secretary of State should he win, she replied. “ Are you bleeping me, I’m not supporting that BLEEP. After all the crap I’ve had to take from that BLEEP, I‘d have to be a complete BLEEPING idiot to support that BLEEP. I’m supporting Al.
Dec. 18th – Al Gore wins in a landslide.
Dec. 20th – Oliver Stone begins production on the movie MOONGATE. Rumor has it that Brad and Angelina will be playing Rick Smith and Moon Mary.
Dec. 25th – Larry David leads worshippers during a celebration of Frank Costanza’a alternative Christmas holiday,” FESTIVAS” for the rest of us. Everyone was given a bottle of Yoo-hoo.
Friday, September 25, 2009
Betrayal 101 - Instructor, Mrs.Vader
There are lots of ways to describe who we are as human beings, but the one that strikes me as the most useful is that we are storytellers. We love to read, watch and tell stories. But most importantly, we are stories. Our sense of self is built around our personal histories. Without our stored collection of memories woven into a coherent saga, we don’t exist. Our personhood is our narrative. And since this is our story, we tend to edit it in ways that makes us feel as good about ourselves as we possibly can as we navigate through life. In other words, we have a tendency to “sanitize” our experience. We deny, distort and delete periodically, so that our narrative and sense of self remain intact. We typically refer to this unconscious editing process as rationalizing or reducing cognitive dissonance.
The reason for my current interest in narrative editing was triggered, surprisingly, by a new TV show. It’s called The Good Wife and centers around the spouse of a politician who cheated on her and also ended up in prison. We’ve all seen variations on the betrayal theme countless times. When played out on national television – the humiliated wife standing by her high profile husband - it’s riveting theater. Yet, despite the obvious traumatic nature of the events, many of these women stay with these men. We saw it with Hillary Clinton, Kathy Lee Gifford, Elizabeth Edwards, Silder Spitzer and Jenny Sanford. These women are always smart, accomplished and competent, yet they tend to choose to stay with the men who betrayed them. Why? I believe there are a number of reasons, all of which we are aware of – except one. But first some background.
Of all the events that can occur in a marriage, betrayal is obviously the most combustible. The level of emotionality it generates far exceeds anything else in terms of intensity and longevity. The emotional “after burn” can last a lifetime. After the initial shock wears off, rage, sadness, pain and anxiety take over, each emotion periodically taking center stage. And like other losses – and one can certainly categorize an event like this as a loss – the intensity of the event slowly diminishes over time and life, ostensibly, returns to normal. It doesn’t take much, however, for those intense emotions to be triggered by any number of events. And when that happens a brief, but no less intense, reenactment of the initial drama takes place. This scar runs deep.
Unlike most women, however, high profile wives caught in the headlights of notoriety experience something even more intense. It’s one thing when your husband cheats and your friends and a few family members know. It’s quite another when your humiliated image has been ‘youtubed” around the world. The brain is not quite prepared for that level of embarrassment and humiliation. It’s impossible to sleep, eat or focus. It feels as if somebody lit a match inside your head and a firestorm blew through your mind. Your personal narrative now lies in ashes on the floor of consciousness. Your life as you knew it is now over and the edges of terror start to slowly creep around. Given all this, why in world would anyone stay with their lecherous husband?
Let’s begin with the more traditional explanations. Ending a long-term marriage is a difficult thing to do, especially when children are involved. The bonds that have developed over decades of shared experience are not easily dissolved. In addition, being alone and starting again is, in and of itself, traumatic. Then there are the financial issues. Do we have enough money to sustain two homes and maintain the lifestyle we currently enjoy? And then of course there is the terrifying thought that I might never find another person, and I’ll grow old alone. Taken together, the case can be made for remaining in a relationship after betrayal.
But there may be an additional unconscious motive behind the decision to stay in a marriage after betrayal. Something that taps into a part of ourselves that we never want to acknowledge, something that Darth Vader would understand. Carl Jung called it the Shadow, the darker side of ourselves. When all is said and done, there’s a part of staying that is all about revenge. You will never, however, hear this said by anyone. How can you? Who would ever say they’re staying in a marriage to exact revenge on their spouse. You would sound insane. Consequently, it takes a great deal of editing to “sanitize” this experience into some acceptable narrative. But underneath, deep down where the action is, revenge is a driving force.
This is something Darth Vader clearly understood. Just ask Mrs. Vader. You see THE DARK SIDE never really was a concept in Darth’s mind until a series of unfortunate events(for him) occurred during the early stages of his marriage. It seems that Darth was straying a bit at the office with a temp from the interplanetary office pool. And one day, while he was at work, Mrs. Vader noticed a strange boxy looking device with a small speaker hidden in his study. After examining it closely, she realized it was a type of phone wired to a single number. When she pressed the send signal, a perky feminine voice replied, “hi hon, let me know when the wife isn’t around and we can get together.” At that moment in time, life for Darth changed forever. The following is a never-before-seen transcript of the conversation that Mrs. Vader had with Darth that evening when he returned home.
Darth- “ Hi honey, I’m home.”
Mrs. Vader – “ I’ll be right down. Why don’t you sit on the couch and make yourself comfortable.”
Darth - “ Did you have a good day.”
Mrs. Vader – “ Actually, it was quite enlightening. As I tell you about it, I think you’ll find it impactful it its most literal sense.”
Darth (now a bit uneasy) – “ really, it sounds like something interesting went on.”
Mrs. Vader (now in the room holding the device) – “ Very interesting. While I was rummaging around, I came across this strange looking device. Would you be able to explain to me what this is? It just looks so interesting.”
Darth (now looking as if he sees the Enola Gay overhead) – “ Oh yeah, this, well…..uh…..well.. I’m working on a new way to send subspace communications.”
Mrs. Vader - “ subspace communications. Sounds great! But I have a better idea. Judging by its size, I say it a perfect fit for your head.”
And without missing a beat Mrs. Vader proceeded to slam the device down on Darth's head. And just like a hand and glove, it was a perfect fit.
Darth - “ get this off of me. It’s dark in here.”
Mrs. Vader – “ Darthy boy, you have no idea how dark it’s going to get.”
And thus, both Darth’s new look and The Dark Side were born.
Emotions have a certain logic to them. And if you’ve been embarrassed and humiliated on the kind of scale that these women have, you’re going to want justice. When your life story is shredded and you’re using every bit of energy just to keep putting one foot in front of the other the Shadow takes over, working outside the boundaries of consciousness. One can easily imagine a wife’s Shadow voice saying, “ you are going to pay for this you bastard, and you’re going to pay and pay and pay…….”
Revenge is best served privately. Just ask Mrs. Vader.
The reason for my current interest in narrative editing was triggered, surprisingly, by a new TV show. It’s called The Good Wife and centers around the spouse of a politician who cheated on her and also ended up in prison. We’ve all seen variations on the betrayal theme countless times. When played out on national television – the humiliated wife standing by her high profile husband - it’s riveting theater. Yet, despite the obvious traumatic nature of the events, many of these women stay with these men. We saw it with Hillary Clinton, Kathy Lee Gifford, Elizabeth Edwards, Silder Spitzer and Jenny Sanford. These women are always smart, accomplished and competent, yet they tend to choose to stay with the men who betrayed them. Why? I believe there are a number of reasons, all of which we are aware of – except one. But first some background.
Of all the events that can occur in a marriage, betrayal is obviously the most combustible. The level of emotionality it generates far exceeds anything else in terms of intensity and longevity. The emotional “after burn” can last a lifetime. After the initial shock wears off, rage, sadness, pain and anxiety take over, each emotion periodically taking center stage. And like other losses – and one can certainly categorize an event like this as a loss – the intensity of the event slowly diminishes over time and life, ostensibly, returns to normal. It doesn’t take much, however, for those intense emotions to be triggered by any number of events. And when that happens a brief, but no less intense, reenactment of the initial drama takes place. This scar runs deep.
Unlike most women, however, high profile wives caught in the headlights of notoriety experience something even more intense. It’s one thing when your husband cheats and your friends and a few family members know. It’s quite another when your humiliated image has been ‘youtubed” around the world. The brain is not quite prepared for that level of embarrassment and humiliation. It’s impossible to sleep, eat or focus. It feels as if somebody lit a match inside your head and a firestorm blew through your mind. Your personal narrative now lies in ashes on the floor of consciousness. Your life as you knew it is now over and the edges of terror start to slowly creep around. Given all this, why in world would anyone stay with their lecherous husband?
Let’s begin with the more traditional explanations. Ending a long-term marriage is a difficult thing to do, especially when children are involved. The bonds that have developed over decades of shared experience are not easily dissolved. In addition, being alone and starting again is, in and of itself, traumatic. Then there are the financial issues. Do we have enough money to sustain two homes and maintain the lifestyle we currently enjoy? And then of course there is the terrifying thought that I might never find another person, and I’ll grow old alone. Taken together, the case can be made for remaining in a relationship after betrayal.
But there may be an additional unconscious motive behind the decision to stay in a marriage after betrayal. Something that taps into a part of ourselves that we never want to acknowledge, something that Darth Vader would understand. Carl Jung called it the Shadow, the darker side of ourselves. When all is said and done, there’s a part of staying that is all about revenge. You will never, however, hear this said by anyone. How can you? Who would ever say they’re staying in a marriage to exact revenge on their spouse. You would sound insane. Consequently, it takes a great deal of editing to “sanitize” this experience into some acceptable narrative. But underneath, deep down where the action is, revenge is a driving force.
This is something Darth Vader clearly understood. Just ask Mrs. Vader. You see THE DARK SIDE never really was a concept in Darth’s mind until a series of unfortunate events(for him) occurred during the early stages of his marriage. It seems that Darth was straying a bit at the office with a temp from the interplanetary office pool. And one day, while he was at work, Mrs. Vader noticed a strange boxy looking device with a small speaker hidden in his study. After examining it closely, she realized it was a type of phone wired to a single number. When she pressed the send signal, a perky feminine voice replied, “hi hon, let me know when the wife isn’t around and we can get together.” At that moment in time, life for Darth changed forever. The following is a never-before-seen transcript of the conversation that Mrs. Vader had with Darth that evening when he returned home.
Darth- “ Hi honey, I’m home.”
Mrs. Vader – “ I’ll be right down. Why don’t you sit on the couch and make yourself comfortable.”
Darth - “ Did you have a good day.”
Mrs. Vader – “ Actually, it was quite enlightening. As I tell you about it, I think you’ll find it impactful it its most literal sense.”
Darth (now a bit uneasy) – “ really, it sounds like something interesting went on.”
Mrs. Vader (now in the room holding the device) – “ Very interesting. While I was rummaging around, I came across this strange looking device. Would you be able to explain to me what this is? It just looks so interesting.”
Darth (now looking as if he sees the Enola Gay overhead) – “ Oh yeah, this, well…..uh…..well.. I’m working on a new way to send subspace communications.”
Mrs. Vader - “ subspace communications. Sounds great! But I have a better idea. Judging by its size, I say it a perfect fit for your head.”
And without missing a beat Mrs. Vader proceeded to slam the device down on Darth's head. And just like a hand and glove, it was a perfect fit.
Darth - “ get this off of me. It’s dark in here.”
Mrs. Vader – “ Darthy boy, you have no idea how dark it’s going to get.”
And thus, both Darth’s new look and The Dark Side were born.
Emotions have a certain logic to them. And if you’ve been embarrassed and humiliated on the kind of scale that these women have, you’re going to want justice. When your life story is shredded and you’re using every bit of energy just to keep putting one foot in front of the other the Shadow takes over, working outside the boundaries of consciousness. One can easily imagine a wife’s Shadow voice saying, “ you are going to pay for this you bastard, and you’re going to pay and pay and pay…….”
Revenge is best served privately. Just ask Mrs. Vader.
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
speed and power
Occasionally, the events of the day reveil some universal truths about the human psyche. One such event occurred during the July 4th weekend when, in the midst of the country’s yearly celebration and the death of Michael Jackson, Sarah Palin announced that she was quitting as Governor of Alaska. Her leaving office so quickly after the election with two years left in her term begs the question, what universal truth could possibility be associated with Sarch Palin’s behavior? The answer is: the speed and power of speed and power.
The moment John McCain selected her as his running mate Sarah Palin was irrevocably changed. The change was immediate. It was as if she had been injected with new DNA that overrode all previous genetic code. Instantaneously, she became - in the minds of a large segment of the population -an important person whose every word or deed was considered newsworthy. Things she wanted or needed she got immediately . The pace of her world moved - to use Startrekian terms- from impulse power to warp speed.
The moment this hit home in her psyche, when Sarah Palin realized she was now SARAH PALIN, she must have gotten the same rush as a meth addict getting that first "hit." She was now a power junkie and there was no returning to her previous ego state. The old ego was now in pieces on the floor of consciousness. And when she went back to work as the Governor of Alaska, she was confronted with a set of feelings equivalent to the experience of a drug addict who ran out of dope. Going over the details of the latest changes in the fishing laws in the state of Alaska was not going to satisfy her.
Anybody who has ever moved from another part of the country to New York knows that, once your brain is rewired to the pace of the city, it’s hard to live elsewhere. Speeding up is a lot easier than slowing down. Once acclimated, its difficult to adjust to a slower paced environment without experiencing feelings analogous to drug withdrawal. Anger, frustration and annoyance - all elements of what we usually refer to as “edginess” - typically manifest themselves. Sarah Palin got the “high octane” version of speed and power and she’s hooked. Unfortunately, her political decisions were based on the assumption that she has the talent and intelligence to sustain the kind of “up-tempo” world that will feed these addictions. For if she’s wrong - and all the evidence suggests she is grossly overestimating her skills to do anything - the crash she is going to experience inside her head will make a nuclear explosion sound like a firecracker. Withdrawal is going to be very painful.
The moment John McCain selected her as his running mate Sarah Palin was irrevocably changed. The change was immediate. It was as if she had been injected with new DNA that overrode all previous genetic code. Instantaneously, she became - in the minds of a large segment of the population -an important person whose every word or deed was considered newsworthy. Things she wanted or needed she got immediately . The pace of her world moved - to use Startrekian terms- from impulse power to warp speed.
The moment this hit home in her psyche, when Sarah Palin realized she was now SARAH PALIN, she must have gotten the same rush as a meth addict getting that first "hit." She was now a power junkie and there was no returning to her previous ego state. The old ego was now in pieces on the floor of consciousness. And when she went back to work as the Governor of Alaska, she was confronted with a set of feelings equivalent to the experience of a drug addict who ran out of dope. Going over the details of the latest changes in the fishing laws in the state of Alaska was not going to satisfy her.
Anybody who has ever moved from another part of the country to New York knows that, once your brain is rewired to the pace of the city, it’s hard to live elsewhere. Speeding up is a lot easier than slowing down. Once acclimated, its difficult to adjust to a slower paced environment without experiencing feelings analogous to drug withdrawal. Anger, frustration and annoyance - all elements of what we usually refer to as “edginess” - typically manifest themselves. Sarah Palin got the “high octane” version of speed and power and she’s hooked. Unfortunately, her political decisions were based on the assumption that she has the talent and intelligence to sustain the kind of “up-tempo” world that will feed these addictions. For if she’s wrong - and all the evidence suggests she is grossly overestimating her skills to do anything - the crash she is going to experience inside her head will make a nuclear explosion sound like a firecracker. Withdrawal is going to be very painful.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
A PAINFUL GOODBYE
Sometimes irony juts its way into one’s life in difficult and unexpected ways. For those of you who have been reading the entries in this blog, you’re aware that I haven’t made an entry in a few months. The reason for this time lapse had to do with a very painful event that occurred on October 30th. Our Standard Poodle, Royce, whose “voice” was featured in the last entry, died at the age of six. Royce had been suffering from an autoimmune disease for two years, and the combination of the illness and the medications he was taking suddenly overwhelmed his system, and we had to put him down. Ironically, the day we made his You Tube video in 2007 was the day we first found out he was seriously ill.
Prior to Royce’s entry in the blog, I had written about life’s four key words: yes, no, hello and goodbye. Little did I know that in very short order, I would personally have to deal with the most difficult of the four: goodbye. It’s one thing talking about goodbye in the abstract and how difficult it can be, it’s quite another to suddenly have to experience it. The irony wasn’t lost on me. If nothing else, my observations on issues of personal loss would now have a bit more poignancy than before.
When Royce died, it felt as if the music stopped. The silence that followed was deafening. His presence – the combination of his gentleness, intelligence and physical beauty – was unlike any other dog I had ever encountered. At times, he seemed more human than canine. Charisma is an intangible characteristic. It’s hard to define, but you know it when you see it. Your eyes are drawn to it. It was that way with Royce. People would look, smile, talk, pet him or take his picture in an ongoing parade. And he loved every minute of it, as did I. He thought they were there for him. It’s hard to overstate the amount of joy he brought me during this most mundane of activities. It’s impossible to overstate the amount of grief I’ve experienced since he died.
Saying goodbye doesn’t happen all at once. There’s an organic rhythm to it orchestrated by the brain. It begins with shock, turns into intense sadness that continues for a number of weeks and then slowly it morphs into something different – hundreds of smaller goodbyes, moments of sadness that occur when something spontaneously reminds you of whom you lost. Over time, due to the brain’s need to restore balance, the moments occur less frequently, not necessarily less intensely.
When all is said and done, saying goodbye is really all about one word – forever. It’s viscerally understanding that you will never again see, hear or touch whom you lost. It is wrenching. It is forever.
Two months after Royce died, I had a very short dream about him. I was on the floor in our bedroom and he walked in, and I said, “ Hey boy, how are you, good to see you.” And he quickly came over, got as close to me as he possibly could, put his head on my chest over my heart and didn’t move. And that’s where he will be forever.
Prior to Royce’s entry in the blog, I had written about life’s four key words: yes, no, hello and goodbye. Little did I know that in very short order, I would personally have to deal with the most difficult of the four: goodbye. It’s one thing talking about goodbye in the abstract and how difficult it can be, it’s quite another to suddenly have to experience it. The irony wasn’t lost on me. If nothing else, my observations on issues of personal loss would now have a bit more poignancy than before.
When Royce died, it felt as if the music stopped. The silence that followed was deafening. His presence – the combination of his gentleness, intelligence and physical beauty – was unlike any other dog I had ever encountered. At times, he seemed more human than canine. Charisma is an intangible characteristic. It’s hard to define, but you know it when you see it. Your eyes are drawn to it. It was that way with Royce. People would look, smile, talk, pet him or take his picture in an ongoing parade. And he loved every minute of it, as did I. He thought they were there for him. It’s hard to overstate the amount of joy he brought me during this most mundane of activities. It’s impossible to overstate the amount of grief I’ve experienced since he died.
Saying goodbye doesn’t happen all at once. There’s an organic rhythm to it orchestrated by the brain. It begins with shock, turns into intense sadness that continues for a number of weeks and then slowly it morphs into something different – hundreds of smaller goodbyes, moments of sadness that occur when something spontaneously reminds you of whom you lost. Over time, due to the brain’s need to restore balance, the moments occur less frequently, not necessarily less intensely.
When all is said and done, saying goodbye is really all about one word – forever. It’s viscerally understanding that you will never again see, hear or touch whom you lost. It is wrenching. It is forever.
Two months after Royce died, I had a very short dream about him. I was on the floor in our bedroom and he walked in, and I said, “ Hey boy, how are you, good to see you.” And he quickly came over, got as close to me as he possibly could, put his head on my chest over my heart and didn’t move. And that’s where he will be forever.
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Humor Interlude 1: Bozone - A theory for all that is dopey
I think we all agree that humor is the best antidepressant. It’s virtually impossible to be depressed when you’re laughing. Hence, during times of stress- and we all agree it doesn’t get more stressful than this - a bit of humor can be therapeutic. So in the spirit of practical wisdom, the humor interlude was born.
My Standard Poodle, Royce, wrote the following. For those of you interested in learning more about Royce, you can see a video of him on YouTube. Just type in The Royce Report in the search box, and Royce will tell you all about himself and his desire to go into show biz.
Bozone: An explanation for all that is dopey.
As a dog, I have always wondered how humans got to be as confused as they are. Psychology and biology don’t seem to explain it very well it. Hence, an astronomical theory is needed to explain why humans seem to be in a perpetual state of “dumbth.” The following is my speculative theory:
At the moment of the big bang when the universe came into being, an invisible, odorless gas called bozone was released into the newly formed cosmos. For billions of years huge clouds of this gas floated through the galaxies, most recently entering the Milky Way. Eventually bozone made its way into our solar system and entered the earth’s atmosphere. The first evidence of bozone’s toxic effects appeared in the Dodo bird. There aren’t any more Dodos around anymore, clearly an indication that something went terribly wrong for the Dodo. (I’m sure no Dodos were ever speakers at monthly Mensa meetings.) Still, becoming extinct, the fate of the poor Dodo, meant that somewhere along the way the bird became a complete dope and the subsequent moniker, “you’re a dodo,” was born. An encounter with a toxic cloud of Bozone is the only logical explanation.
While the Dodo is the most obvious example of the toxic effects of Bozone in the animal world, it is humans more than any other creature that seem most susceptible to its effects. There is something about inhaling bozone that results in irrational, illogical or purely idiotic behavior. The following are just a few obvious Bozonious events that have occurred over the past few years:
1. George Bush being elected President. TWICE!
2. People believing the size of Barry Bond’s head is due to the aging process.
3. The belief that giving people mortgages without checking their finances would be unlikely to cause any problems in the economy.
4. Sarah Palin being selected as a VP candidate.
Even a miniature schnauzer would have been a better choice than Sarah Palin. John McCain must have been exposed to a particularly intense cloud of Bozone to have made this pick.
Where do you think the saying “he’s a real BOZO” comes from? As Carl Jung might have said, it’s the collective unconscious trying to tell us that something noxious is wrecking havoc with our thinking. I’m hoping that when that new physics particle collider is up and running and recreates the “big bang,” scientists will figure out a way to test for Bozone. If not, then we might be looking at a Sarah Palin Presidency in 2012. Good Grief!
My Standard Poodle, Royce, wrote the following. For those of you interested in learning more about Royce, you can see a video of him on YouTube. Just type in The Royce Report in the search box, and Royce will tell you all about himself and his desire to go into show biz.
Bozone: An explanation for all that is dopey.
As a dog, I have always wondered how humans got to be as confused as they are. Psychology and biology don’t seem to explain it very well it. Hence, an astronomical theory is needed to explain why humans seem to be in a perpetual state of “dumbth.” The following is my speculative theory:
At the moment of the big bang when the universe came into being, an invisible, odorless gas called bozone was released into the newly formed cosmos. For billions of years huge clouds of this gas floated through the galaxies, most recently entering the Milky Way. Eventually bozone made its way into our solar system and entered the earth’s atmosphere. The first evidence of bozone’s toxic effects appeared in the Dodo bird. There aren’t any more Dodos around anymore, clearly an indication that something went terribly wrong for the Dodo. (I’m sure no Dodos were ever speakers at monthly Mensa meetings.) Still, becoming extinct, the fate of the poor Dodo, meant that somewhere along the way the bird became a complete dope and the subsequent moniker, “you’re a dodo,” was born. An encounter with a toxic cloud of Bozone is the only logical explanation.
While the Dodo is the most obvious example of the toxic effects of Bozone in the animal world, it is humans more than any other creature that seem most susceptible to its effects. There is something about inhaling bozone that results in irrational, illogical or purely idiotic behavior. The following are just a few obvious Bozonious events that have occurred over the past few years:
1. George Bush being elected President. TWICE!
2. People believing the size of Barry Bond’s head is due to the aging process.
3. The belief that giving people mortgages without checking their finances would be unlikely to cause any problems in the economy.
4. Sarah Palin being selected as a VP candidate.
Even a miniature schnauzer would have been a better choice than Sarah Palin. John McCain must have been exposed to a particularly intense cloud of Bozone to have made this pick.
Where do you think the saying “he’s a real BOZO” comes from? As Carl Jung might have said, it’s the collective unconscious trying to tell us that something noxious is wrecking havoc with our thinking. I’m hoping that when that new physics particle collider is up and running and recreates the “big bang,” scientists will figure out a way to test for Bozone. If not, then we might be looking at a Sarah Palin Presidency in 2012. Good Grief!
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
HELLO AND GOODBYE -TRANSITIONS FOR CHANGE
Some things in life are obviously difficult. Saying goodbye is one of them. The magnitude of a “goodbye” certainly varies, but the meaning is always the same: THE END. Whether it’s ending a love relationship, leaving behind friends due to changing schools/jobs/homes, saying goodbye to a career dream that didn’t quite turn out the way you wanted it to or, the ultimate goodbye, someone you love dying, As painful as these experiences are, they are essential to our growth and development. The vitality of our lives is predicated on new people, events, stimulation and challenges periodically occurring. Without goodbyes we can never have hellos. What keeps people from initiating the goodbyes they have control over (e.g. relationships) is a tendency to overestimate the amount of time that they will feel bad. Fortunately, the wisdom in the unconscious is hardwired to reestablish emotional balance as quickly as possible. Incorporating this idea into your map of experience allows one to begin looking at the idea of “quality” risk taking. Is it time to get out of that relationship or job that is stale or lifeless? Are there patterns of behavior that are not useful or productive that you know it’s time to say goodbye to? Are you ready to say hello to skills you want to learn or places you want to see. Hello and goodbye reflect transitions, and it’s at these moments in time when change is most available to us.
So perhaps.....as you think about that goodbye..........you know the one that has popped up..from time to time........you can begin to think about it differently.......more confidently.........realizing that........deep down inside..........way....way ...down inside yourself.......are resources that you've forgotten you had........or maybe even never new that you had......but they are there .......and when ......you are ready to make that change.......say that goodbye......that power will float straight up into your consciousness......and when it does.......you'll be ready to use it.
So perhaps.....as you think about that goodbye..........you know the one that has popped up..from time to time........you can begin to think about it differently.......more confidently.........realizing that........deep down inside..........way....way ...down inside yourself.......are resources that you've forgotten you had........or maybe even never new that you had......but they are there .......and when ......you are ready to make that change.......say that goodbye......that power will float straight up into your consciousness......and when it does.......you'll be ready to use it.
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
4 KEY WORDS
A few weeks ago I made reference to the fact that we are creatures of words. Our world is shaped by the words we use. But a certain few - four in particular - are more important than others in any discussion of practical wisdom. These words influence how we interact with the people, events and situations that constitute our world and influence our decision making. These keys words are two pairs of polar opposites: yes/no and hello/goodbye. Now I have hunch that a lot of people who are reading this right are saying to themselves, " C'mon Lloyd, this is it, these are life's most important words, words that are typically a few of a child's first words, words that are some of the first you learn when studying a foreign language! Lloyd, you've got to do better than this, " I know, it seems kind of simplistic that words that are as common place as these four are as important as any and mastering them, really understanding how far their roots and branches extend into our lives, is a life long chore. They are, however, that important and here's why. Let's take "no" for example, the core expression of autonomy. How often over course of your life did you want to say no, want to assert yourself, and you didn't? I'm sure it's a lot more than you're willing to admit. In fact, I'll bet that one of those memories just crossed the screen of your consciousness right now as you were reading this. That's right,THAT SITUATION WHERE YOU KNEW YOU SHOULD HAVE SAID NO. And you didn't. Some people spend their entire life never coming close to mastering this word. And yes is equally as important. How often did you say no to something you should have said yes to because it involved a risk? And, in retrospect, you know it was risk you should have taken. At the time you did what all of us do when we've made a mistake, we con ourselves with some elaborate justification for our decision. Underneath, however, we know the truth and, hopefully, in retrospect we can look back and admit to making the wrong choice. And in allowing ourselves a moment of existential truth, we begin to lay the groundwork for saying "yes" in the future when the cycle of experience comes back around to a similar decision. Don't worry, you''ll get another chance to make amends with yourself.
We'll talk about hello and goodbye next time.
But for the moment.......as you take a deep breath.....and let the words from above .......float.....from consciousness....to a deeper place........a place inside yourself........that allows your conscious mind to .......pause..........relax......and allow that deeper level........to store what you've read.......in a really safe place inside.....a place that contains the wisdom you've already acquired........so that now.......right now.......a little bit more is available to you........and........effortlessly......and spontaneously........it will pop up .....at the right time.........in the right place........or with the right person.
We'll talk about hello and goodbye next time.
But for the moment.......as you take a deep breath.....and let the words from above .......float.....from consciousness....to a deeper place........a place inside yourself........that allows your conscious mind to .......pause..........relax......and allow that deeper level........to store what you've read.......in a really safe place inside.....a place that contains the wisdom you've already acquired........so that now.......right now.......a little bit more is available to you........and........effortlessly......and spontaneously........it will pop up .....at the right time.........in the right place........or with the right person.
Sunday, August 17, 2008
FEELINGS
If there's one part of our experience that we view as sacrosanct, it's our feelings. While thoughts and behavior, the other two parts of the golden trilogy that defines our "self" are as important, it's our feelings that we're closest to. Why else would so much of psychotherapy focus on them ? With all do respect to the cognitive therapy boom, there's more talk about feelings in therapy than thoughts. Why else would the most overused question in the history of psychotherapy be, "so how does that make you feel?" Thoughts are in our head, a rather small space. But feelings are different, they take over our entire body, they're bigger, more intense and consequently, more seductive. We're easily seduced by our feelings, believing they represent an accurate description of our reality. WRONG. I know it's blasphemy to say it, but sometimes our feelings are obstacles to good decision making. In other words there are times when a feeling/emotion is "clean" (i.e., a legitimate response to a current situation). At other times, however, a feeling can be a part of an old programmed response pattern that "fires" under certain circumstances . Take the current situation of Brett Favre, legendary quarterback of the Green Bay Packers. Brett retired months ago during a during a typical retirement press conference. At that moment in time he looked at his career, his life and his future and decided to call it a day. It all made sense and, at that moment in time, Brett knew it was time to go. Perfect. Then, five months later he says he made a mistake and wants his job back. Anybody who had every played a seasonal sport knows that the "feeling" of wanting to play always returns as training camp approaches. It like Pavlov's dog; ring the bell and he salivates. Brett Favre could no sooner stop those feelings than he could stop the sun from rising. He was at the mercy of classical conditioning. Being able to step outside your experience so that you don't get seduced is a very sophisticated skill. Good decision making is a critical component of wisdom. And being able to distinguish between real vs. illusory feelings is central to this process.
So right now...... as you slow down....way down.......and reflect on what you've read............perhaps you can.........when you're ready,,,,,,,,,reflect on times when you were fooled by a feeling.........a time perhaps not so long ago........when you were absolutely convinced.......that the feeling was just so right......so perfect.....and then.......it all changed.......what appeared so solid,,,,,,turned out to be vapor.......an illusion.....but now as you reflect.....and think......perhaps you can think differently about your feelings.........in a new and productive way.........we all get fooled from time to time.......but now you know more than you did before.
If there's one part of our experience that we view as sacrosanct, it's our feelings. While thoughts and behavior, the other two parts of the golden trilogy that defines our "self" are as important, it's our feelings that we're closest to. Why else would so much of psychotherapy focus on them ? With all do respect to the cognitive therapy boom, there's more talk about feelings in therapy than thoughts. Why else would the most overused question in the history of psychotherapy be, "so how does that make you feel?" Thoughts are in our head, a rather small space. But feelings are different, they take over our entire body, they're bigger, more intense and consequently, more seductive. We're easily seduced by our feelings, believing they represent an accurate description of our reality. WRONG. I know it's blasphemy to say it, but sometimes our feelings are obstacles to good decision making. In other words there are times when a feeling/emotion is "clean" (i.e., a legitimate response to a current situation). At other times, however, a feeling can be a part of an old programmed response pattern that "fires" under certain circumstances . Take the current situation of Brett Favre, legendary quarterback of the Green Bay Packers. Brett retired months ago during a during a typical retirement press conference. At that moment in time he looked at his career, his life and his future and decided to call it a day. It all made sense and, at that moment in time, Brett knew it was time to go. Perfect. Then, five months later he says he made a mistake and wants his job back. Anybody who had every played a seasonal sport knows that the "feeling" of wanting to play always returns as training camp approaches. It like Pavlov's dog; ring the bell and he salivates. Brett Favre could no sooner stop those feelings than he could stop the sun from rising. He was at the mercy of classical conditioning. Being able to step outside your experience so that you don't get seduced is a very sophisticated skill. Good decision making is a critical component of wisdom. And being able to distinguish between real vs. illusory feelings is central to this process.
So right now...... as you slow down....way down.......and reflect on what you've read............perhaps you can.........when you're ready,,,,,,,,,reflect on times when you were fooled by a feeling.........a time perhaps not so long ago........when you were absolutely convinced.......that the feeling was just so right......so perfect.....and then.......it all changed.......what appeared so solid,,,,,,turned out to be vapor.......an illusion.....but now as you reflect.....and think......perhaps you can think differently about your feelings.........in a new and productive way.........we all get fooled from time to time.......but now you know more than you did before.
Sunday, August 10, 2008
FOOD FOR THOUGHT
Humans are creatures of words, and we just can't stop talking. Cell phones and computers are now extensions of our minds connected on some bio-technological level that none of us fully comprehends. We can't shut up. And If we're not talking, texting, emailing or instant messaging, we're thinking about the next thing we're going to say to someone, somehow. What is less obvious but equally omnipresent is our internal conversations. We just keep talking whether someone is there or not. Most of the time this isn't problematic. There is one situation, however, where blathering away in your head is outright dangerous, and that's when you're eating. This is especially true if your internal monologue is fueled by anger. You see, when you talk in your head the rhythm of speech and breathing continues as if you're actually talking. Hence, at the same moment in time when you would normally take a breath- which would happen frequently if you were expressing anger -the wind pipe opens up and quess what happens? That's right, that big junk of food you were eating suddenly gets sucked into that small opening. Now most of the time this happens coughing typically dislodges the food, and we go back to eating, a bit shaken but okay. But every so often someone needs the Heimlich maneuver, that violent stomach pull that forces air up through the trachea and results in that large piece of food being dislodged and propelled at warp speed three tables over into someone's salad. "Excuse me waiter, I was unaware my salad came with a partially chewed piece of meat." Everyone reading this has had food caught in their windpipe. It falls into the category of universal experiences. What is equally univeral is nobody remembers why it happened. And the reason is simple. The trauma caused by the potentially life threatening situation generates immediate amnesia. You simply don't rememember precluding the possibility for any learning ever to take place.
So next time you're eating.. and your mind begins to focus... on an internal conversation.... perhaps,..... sooner that later..... an awareness will take over......the kind of awareness that's useful....in a variety of different ways.....that brings you back to focusing on eating...... and in doing so you can realize that in noticing your eating.......you can realize.....really realize.... how easy it is to become satisfied......and as you become more aware of those sensations of fullness ....you can become more satisfied with less food.... and stay safer along the way. So feel free to remember.... what you need to remember from what you learned today....for you clearly have a right as well as an obligation to make useful changes in your life....for who else is going to make them for you.
So next time you're eating.. and your mind begins to focus... on an internal conversation.... perhaps,..... sooner that later..... an awareness will take over......the kind of awareness that's useful....in a variety of different ways.....that brings you back to focusing on eating...... and in doing so you can realize that in noticing your eating.......you can realize.....really realize.... how easy it is to become satisfied......and as you become more aware of those sensations of fullness ....you can become more satisfied with less food.... and stay safer along the way. So feel free to remember.... what you need to remember from what you learned today....for you clearly have a right as well as an obligation to make useful changes in your life....for who else is going to make them for you.
Monday, July 21, 2008
" SEEING" The hidden inner world of talking
The key to building a good map is to be aware of all the information that’s available and organizing it in a meaningful way. In the case of our current need – building the initial foundation of a map for successful living – sensory information is the category of knowledge we need to focus on. To state the obvious, we are all aware of our external world – the sights, sounds, smells, etc. – that constitutes our reality. When we cross a street we keep track of sights and sounds or find ourselves in serious trouble. Hence, being aware of ongoing external sensory input is essential to survival. Yet, external information only constitutes half of our sensory world. The other half we create in our minds, and its importance cannot be overstated. Moreover, it is the interplay between these two streams of sensory data - what’s going on around us and what’s going on in our heads – that makes things so confusing. Take for example the experience of driving a car while talking on a cell phone. This is the classic conflict of inner vs. outer. You see (no pun intended), the issue is not whether or not you have both hands free that causes the problem. It’s the inner screen vs. the outer world, two streams of sensory information competing for awareness. While we’re talking on the phone we create in our heads the reality we’re conversing about. In other words, as we tell our friend what we did last Friday night, we’re seeing in our minds what we’re describing, literally watching it on the screen in our heads. Consequently our ability to focus on the road gets compromised as we simultaneously talk, have a movie running in our heads and try to focus on driving. I’m sure many of us have experienced a “YIKES, THAT WAS CLOSE”. So the whole idea of headsets vs. holding the phone is actually a moot point – neither works. So lesson number one is begin to notice how you create images in your mind as you talk with anyone under any circumstances. It’s like air, it’s always there but we’re oblivious to it.
So keep your cell phone usage to a minimum while driving. Better yet, just use the phone for emergencies and listen to some good music instead.
UP NEXT – PRACTICAL WISDOM PART II:
So keep your cell phone usage to a minimum while driving. Better yet, just use the phone for emergencies and listen to some good music instead.
UP NEXT – PRACTICAL WISDOM PART II:
Saturday, July 12, 2008
Building an internal map of experience
Trying to sort out and label the contents of one’s consciousness can be extremely confusing. Equally difficult is trying to assess one’s mood. Am I depressed, angry, anxious, sad or a combination of these feelings? Do I feel good today, or just not bad? What events in my life currently are effecting my feelings, if any? These are questions that everyone asks himself or herself periodically. This issue – trying to get a clear picture of one’s experience- begs the question: is there a way to build a map to help find one’s way, to get the contents of our mind clearly into focus so as to make one’s experience understandable. The answer is yes but, to state the obvious, this isn’t easy. And the reason for its difficulty is that we need the map most when things are most intense and confusing, when we’re “red lining” emotionally. So, the idea is to build a cognitive map, a strategy for understanding how internal and external events effect our experience, at the only moment in time that actually exists: NOW. And we will begin this mapping process by focusing on some practical areas, since keeping ourselves alive is a useful place to begin. Later on we will focus on the more complex interplay between feelings and thoughts as well as conscious and unconscious processes. There’s a lot of territory to cover, but we have a lot of time. If my reading of astronomy is correct, it will be 5 billion years before our galaxy, the Milky Way, crashes into Andromeda, our neighboring galaxy. That should be enough time.
But before.......you drift off......to another task.......or... experience changes...in a pattern..it might be worthwhile......to think.......slowly... and comfortably......about what your developing map.......your internal thoughts...and images....becoming more focused.....on the screen.......inside your mind......an awareness.......that wasn't there before........will begin......without your having to do anything at all......the part of yourself......that is reading this..........outside of your conscious awareness will........use your power........in a constructive way......to get the map building.......the internal organization that you need......into the flow of your experince.....sooner than later.
But before.......you drift off......to another task.......or... experience changes...in a pattern..it might be worthwhile......to think.......slowly... and comfortably......about what your developing map.......your internal thoughts...and images....becoming more focused.....on the screen.......inside your mind......an awareness.......that wasn't there before........will begin......without your having to do anything at all......the part of yourself......that is reading this..........outside of your conscious awareness will........use your power........in a constructive way......to get the map building.......the internal organization that you need......into the flow of your experince.....sooner than later.
Some thoughts about the wisdom of George Carlin
Every so often an event reminds us of something that is vitally important in our lives. The death of George Carlin is one of those occurrences that lift the importance of humor and laughter to the forefront of consciousness where it belongs. We all have a tendency to take ourselves and beliefs too seriously. And George Carlin – more than any other comedian – punctured our model of reality in a way that allowed us to laugh at ourselves. And in doing so, we not only gained some much needed perspective on the silliness/rigidity of our beliefs, but also experienced a beneficial change, albeit temporary, to our brain chemistry. Wisdom can be found in many different places and, as George Carlin taught us, humor is one of them.
Saturday, July 5, 2008
WISDOM: Learning how to live smart
When we think about knowledge, we imagine a large number of facts, discoveries or understandings that increases in size with the passage of time. For instance, over the past century medicine has developed antibiotics, vaccinations and a host of other therapies and technologies that keep us alive and well. Physics now includes black holes, dark matter, quarks and a variety of other unimaginable realities that have expanded our understanding of the the universe. Every category of knowledge continues to systematically increase in size except for one: wisdom. For unlike other categories that comprise the components of ourselves and our world, wisdom reflects our ability to live intelligently, make good decisions and find meaning and purpose. It's about seeing patterns and understanding consequences. And since the issues which we have to deal with don't change - growing, relating, emoting, working, parenting, etc. - how to successfully deal with all of these facets of our lives also remains constant. Wisdom is learning how to "live smart", and it will always be just that!
Next up: Building an internal map
So feel free.....to slow down.......take a moment........an internal pause....... and begin to reflect........for every so often .....from time to time.....it's useful to step outside the flow of time.....like stepping out of a river and onto the bank...... and watch the flow.......rather than being in it.......and look.......and think......and wonder...what's really important in your life right now........perhaps it's that decision you've been contemplating........or a relationship which needs improvement.......or trying something new ..........only you know when you will make that change and use your intuitive wisdom to set the process into motion.
Next up: Building an internal map
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